my tuesday marathon.

i'm all about love.

Love. There it is. Scattered on the floor. Posted on the walls. Trashed in the tin can. Kept inside a shoebox. Collected in a photo album. Hidden under the pillows. Sticked inside the wallet. Pasted in the notebook. Love is everywhere. I am everywhere. And I am inlove everday with everything.

I know it sounds fine yet sounds scary for I don’t usually feel this way. Although that is the whole truth – I am inlove. Just plain inlove. With the laces of my pink pillow. With the trickling of the water in the faucet. With my baby fishiiiees. With the clothes hanging in our backyard. With the baby spoon. With the fresh batteries. With the borrowed vcds. With the warm water of my chocolate drink. With the orange curtains in our living room. With my baby DJ’s artworks. With my mom’s cooking. With my glittered powder blue flip-flops. With chocnuts and mentos. With icy water in my glass. With my still curly hair. With my black and white photos from my photography class. With the ringing of the door bell. With the cool smell of our bathroom every morning. With my dangling earrings. With the cirrus clouds. With the rains. With our yellow-lighted streets here in our subdivision. With warm kisses from baby DJ, chai2 and leinard. And with lots of stuffs scattered all around me. . .

Everything seems to be just that beautiful. Lovely. Amazing. And I am nothing but falling inlove here as I discover those small wonders. I can feel my senses working on well (finally). At last, I am now harvesting the fruit of using these God-given senses to the fullest (at least these days). It just feels good. Feels like I’m born again.

Just hoping that by the time you finish reading this, you’ll also be infected with the love virus that i have.

The deli hopia made me do this.

I remember how my friends talk about their plans for their lives, about their ambitions, their dreams, even the weirdest and wildest of them. I remember how my dear friend Michael (who’s actually celebrating his 18^th birthday on the 21^st) stood beside me, here in our balcony as he confessed his wants after graduating his advertising course. He said he wanted to work in an advertising company (of course), he wanted to wear corporate attire, have his own luxurious car and enjoy his life. I also remember him saying how he wanted to go to US and have his sort of independent life there. I remember him as he imagined his hair being blown by the winds as he journey along the endless highway (is it in Texas, dear?) riding his (again) luxurious car (I doubt if it’s color red). Well, I wonder if he still has the same dreams now.

But honestly, I sort of envy him because of that. I’ve known him for about five years now and I always knew how goal-oriented he is. He knows what he wants and he knows how to get it. His dreams have always been clearly painted on his memory and I can see it. It’s obvious. Yeah, I’m kind of jealous of how sure he is – of himself, of his life, his dreams. I am just amazed by him because I am the direct contradiction of what he is and I know that. You see, I am this person who just does most of the things out of intuition and opportunity. “Come inside whenever there is an open door”, my compulsive self usually commands. Yep, I have dreams of course but they’re not as clear as let’s say, Michael’s and most of the people I know. They’re not even grand enough like other’s dreams (perhaps, including yours). And I know for a fact how goal-disoriented I am. Not that I do not try to reach my goals – of course I do, I always do – it’s just that I do not really grip onto them that hard. I always change my mind. I keep on drifting, drifting. Life’s a big ocean for me and I am a humble sailor. I’ve got no rules for going forward nor going back – I just sail and let the winds take me, guide me. I must say, I also look forward to the future but I usually try to avoid doing it at the same time. Thinking about the future just terrifies me and paralyzes me, and gawd I hated that. Because of that, I am (but not have always been) living my life day by day, minute by minute. I try to focus myself on the things that I have today, on the things that I can do now. I try to focus on my struggling self now and not my “dream self” partying in the future. Besides, there is so much to learn, seize, enjoy and treasure on the present, even on this very moment that I’m writing this stuff. Even the moment you do nothing but listen to your heartbeat and breathe, the moment you just stare blankly at space as thoughts drown you or the moment you realized that you are doing nothing but watch time pass by you.

Yeah, I have dreams but they are as “little” as making somebody smile or making someone blush. My dreams may be petty compared to the dreams that others have (again, that includes you) but all of it means a lot to me. I do not dream of fame or abundant riches but I do want to live beside a beach so that I’ll get to witness how the sun rises and sets every single day. I don’t dream to be liked and loved by lots of people, but I do hope that I get to share so much love, so much love that it’s just enough to make my blood flow (huh?). Nothing, I just have this thousands of dreams that keep on growing every day and night. Some of them are really wild, some are so ideal (so ideal it’s unreal), quite a few are what we call “practical”, some are weird, others funny while some are just pretty sweet.

It’s just that, I feel I am not like the “normal” people are (what’s normal anyway?). I don’t know why, but I sense something “anomalous” about me (hehe) and this dream-goal-ambition-stuff thing is I think but one of its symptoms (tenen!). Hell, my parents will surely crucify me if they knew about this. They wouldn’t be too glad to know that they’re spilling out a lot of money in this film course I’m taking with all these stuffs running through my head (not that everything is wasted though ‘cause I can guarantee it’s not). Haha. Chll out.

With stripes and luminosity.

1. Shock 101.

As I was browsing nanay’s (my grandma) photo albums, a horrible thing caught my attention. My eyeballs felt like popping out of its sockets as I lift that one single photograph into my face like I was examining it. “Syet, bakit nandito ‘to? Baka marami na ang nakakita dito ha? Bakit ba dinidisplay pa ‘to ni nanay?!” my aghast self mumbled. I hurriedly picked it up, looked around me to make sure that no one is aware of what I am about to do, then quickly slipped it inside my shirt, took it home then trashed it in my drawer (not that it’s like a trashcan or something).

JS prom non, magkatabi kame sa pic. Matte gold na haltered strap ang suot ko at siya naman dark blue na coat. Mukha kaming tingting at basang sisiw. Magulo ang background dahil lahat atat magpapicture.

2. Liberation for free.

3 weeks, 5 weeks . . . I think it’s already two months now since I formally reloaded my cellphone. If it wasn’t for anything emergency, I’d probably won’t be reloading it at all. Tons of new promos from sun cell, smart, globe, touch mobile etc. do not interests me and all I care about is to make some lambing to nanay to ask for some pasaload. Hehe. The good thing is, I’ve just realized that it is indeed possible for me to live without my mobile phone. I just escaped from one prison there! Whew!

3. Kikay alert!

This is the end of the world, people. The self-proclaimed-fashion-“conservative” is starting to wear mini skirts again. Is this me? Well, how horrible.

4. Asian mania.

I’ve been renting and watching lots of films these past few days. I’ve watched Hero and The House of flying Daggers (because my artsy friend aleli recommended them) recently and I just loved them both. Now, I’m looking forward to a lot of films like those including 2046 (shocks, wala kasi akong mahiram eh umaalog ang videocity dito samen) and I think I’m gonna share more kwentos with aleli when 2^nd sem comes.