My Un-New Year’s Day

A new lay-out means a rebirth – well, at least for me. I know my “former” blog seemed like a mad lover’s sanctuary. I’ve been making my journal bleed like hell. I’ve been making a mess out of the supposed-to-be-jolly world. I’ve been too dramatic. So dramatic that sometimes when I look back at my oh-so-fucking poetic posts I wanna go mad and kill myself because they’re so damn majestic (?) (At least for me). They even sometimes make me wonder if I really wrote them myself (not that I am so confident about them). However, I do not really hate my melodramatic self for being able to write those stuffs. They aren’t trash and they would never be. Perhaps, only a few would appreciate them but they’ll never ever be a crap – not just for me – but for whoever who has a heart (or is it hypothalamus?) to feel. The truth is I miss my old melodramatic self. I miss the urge of letting my emotions burst through my little knowledge of word play. I miss how my heart and entire being melt for a moment as I reread what I’ve just written. I just miss the pain of my life – that’s it. Pain is not evil. Pain is life and pain is beautiful. Pain is love. Pain is hope. Pain cuts deep. Pain enables me to be the best and worst of myself and sometimes I wish I could have the pain back (or get used to pretending to have it) so that I can write again. It just feels so phony when you write bitter sweet lines when you really want to do is to party all night (and unfortunately I love writing bitter sweet stuffs). The words would not come out right, the emotions would not drown you and the entire stuff would not be sincere. And that’s the right time that you should call your work – a crap. It may contain those emotions you want the reader to feel, but you may not be able to really feel it yourself (which gives you all the reason to trash it out). In short, I just want to be over with those dramas and try to live a “new” life.

So I am writing this stuff to make the change in me official. Change is a choice so I decided to change and it’s not always in the New Year that we can do it, right? We can do it anytime and I decided to do it now. I am not changing for anybody, but for myself. I am changing because I wanted to and I do enjoy even the mere thought of it. I decided to make my blog a white one so as to make my thoughts as clearly expressed as possible (not that black has done so much clogging in my nervous system). White is simple and I just wanted to make everything now simple. The black font also means (for me) simplicity and frankness and I also strive to be like that. I removed most of unnecessary-but-cute-stuffs to add as well to the simplicity that I am longing for here. I wish to avoid tear jerker posts so I think I would not be using Tagalog (I do hope I can make it) as much as I could for there’s a certain dramatic effect whenever I use it (don’t you think so?). Of course, I would not stop writing melodramatic poems but I think I would have to create a separate webbie for that so as not to drive the visitors crazy and to avoid them feeling sorry for me. I’ve already drowned so much into the hopefully-most-dramatic-stage-in-an-adolescent’s-life and now I’m going back to the shore. I’m now saying goodbye to my love-suicidal-slash-super-dreamy-of-the-“ideal” self for I’ve decided to be “normal” again; I want to be rational again (no matter how I hated it, I still have to accept that I belong to the society who lives in a left-brained world with all its (boring) logic and rationality). It’s either, be rational or perish. I’m leaving and I’m making my way to find the next stop for me; to continue my journey. Now, I am so looking forward to being with my “cartoon self”. Just in case you are wondering’ why I want to be a “cartoon star”, well it’s because I wanted to be a cartoon character all my life. Ha-ha. Cartoons can do whatever they like; stretch their arms, make their eyes pop out, swallow their noses, and grow as big as a tornado and lots of amazing stuffs. They could also laugh and cry so flamboyantly and people would still accept it and find it “normal”. They are the actors and actresses of their own stage. There are no rules for them and they are just cute and happy. I wanna laugh, blab, slack, doodle, party, eat, goof, sob, jumble, dance, sing, criticize and go crazy so hard.

Happy Un-New Year’s Day to everyone!

segway:

i'm just SO SO pissed off (so pissed off i have to blog it here) for getting a NO GRADE in my Scriptwriting class. I found out (by texting my professor) that it's because my professor didn't got my final paper. That means, I have to meet him on Monday and resubmit the whole thing. Praise God for i haven't deleted it yet in the PCs documents. Anyway, at least because of this I would get to have that date with my dear friend bambina (and btw, that's not her real name) before she stucks herself in that tutorial class that she''ll be having in just a couple of days.

*******

hi michael, i know you won't read this (but who knows? maybe in the future when i die. oops) but i just want the whole world (as if) to witness how i greet you a . . . HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Aha! and you've been away again and just wonderin' maybe you could take me to one those Baguio trips-slash-seminars of yours next time? But then, you are "forgiven" for not celebrating your birthday with us. You torture me for making me miss you this much. i hate you. hehe joke, joke. i love you still so, show me that face again please?

(since im really in the mood to write)

Simple heart shits.

Me and my high school (and forever) friend Mr. Blank (he’s really gonna kill me if I mention his name) had this sort of emo-talk over the phone just the other day (but not entirely emo of course). Well, we’re not really in the mood for that one since he just called to ask me about that reunion thing I was planning for the whole tropa. But then, out of a long while of not seeing each other we just started blabbing about our lives. Then it came to the point where he opened the topic of his “recent life”, how it has been and blah-blah. He hesitated for a while whether he’s going to tell me about his “recent issues” for he fears that I might just laugh at him (silly, boy). But then because of my oh-so-good-convincing powers, he also gave in.

It’s about him and his girlfriend. He told me that they’ve only been together for about ten days (til the day we had this emo-talk) and now he is already breaking up. He wanted to trash the whole relationship (this early) for he doesn’t love (or should I say, like?) his girlfriend THAT much. Not that all, for the real reason is because he is STILL in love with his past love. They really didn’t become “them” (being in a romantic relationship) but he said that he still feels the same strong feeling for her (btw, SHE is also my friend. Both of them are my high school friends). He feels so crushed up for he doesn’t want to break his girlfriend’s heart just because of this girl that he know he would never ever have.

I was just nothing but shocked when I knew about this for all this time I thought he was already over her. But yeah, I was wrong. I am wrong. He is still crazy for her, crazy crazy. And so as the usual thing, I gave him some pieces of advice on what to do with this love thing. I asked him why does he like “her” (I mean the real love of his life) and he just answered me with a “ewan ko.basta ganun eh.” And so I then replied with a “oo sa bagay, minsan naman nagugustuhan mo lang ang isang bagay o tao dahil gusto mo lang eh.” I actually had no idea on what to say and I just ended up giving him silly suggestions like “maglasing ka muna tapos kausapin mo siya para pag nasabi mo na yung gusto mong sabihin at sinampal ka na niya tapos na.pag gising mo bukas okay na normal na ulit.” But of course I would not want him to do that, that is cowardice, isn’t it?

So after a long pause, a few sighs and some “hoy, ano na?”we went on with our talk. I just knew then that he would inject this love thing between me and another friend of ours (Which likes me for years. Hehe. I am not bragging here okay but that’s the whole pathetic truth). He said, “ooh alam ko ikaw pa rin ang gusto non. Matagal kasi malalim”. Huh? “malalim kasi yung feelings nya sayo kaya matagal yung mawawala.” Then he jus went on “wala ba kayong future? Ang cute siguro pag naging kayo.” Then, “hindi mo ba siya gusto?” and I said “gusto - dati. nung 4^th year tayo pero hindi na ngayon” “baket? Sayang naman pala. Tatanga-tanga kasi siya.” “eh ayoko na eh. Ayoko lang. basta ayoko na.tsaka may ___ nako. Oo yung fahfah kong bading.” Then we just burst out laughing. But because I am such an evil creature, I went on with my revenge, “hooh, sinasabi mo lang yan para maghanap ka ng karamay mo eh.gusto molang isama si _____ dahil katulad mo siya, hopeless sa taong gusto niya talaga.” “hay naku daena (that’s me!), tigilan na nga to ayaw na kitang kausapin inaaway mo ko.” Haaaa…poor bunny.

More arguments followed and I kept on torturing him a lot.

But then…

“nakakatawa noh, tayo ganitong kababaw pinag-uusapan naten habang si ____ (I’d rather not mention any names) imagine eh buhay may asawa na ang inaatupag.” I murmured.

“Yuck pang teen-ers talaga.” the poor bunny agreed.

But because I am just so evil and crazy I continued, “pero ako rin! Gusto kong maexperience ulit yung ganyan. Yung ganyang klase ng problema. Ang tagal na kasi eh since last akong nagka stupid heart ache.”

“shoooosh..wag na. hindi masaya.”, like he wanted to slap my face and disappear.