on wedding bells. endless chase. infantile perversion and finish lines.

A female friend is getting married this Oct. 8. I wonder what came to her mind, perhaps she’s pregnant (a prejudice I’ve got to those women who marry at a very early age). Unfortunately, she gives me this terrible feeling I usually feel when a person of my age does something “extreme” (for me) like committing suicide, getting pregnant or much “worse” getting married. Yeah, she’s very much my age. She’s 18. Young. Hopeful. Ambitious. Promising. Beautiful. Then in just a few days, she’ll be entering a major transformation in her life. I just couldn’t imagine myself being in her shoes. Perhaps if I had been her, I’ll just runaway and become a nomad than marry this early. Anyway, I still do wish them all the best. Gawd help her.

I can see your smile. Yeah, he’s right you are pretty. With those eyes that reminds me of the past. You remind me of him. You remind me of “us” – the way we were - the unfinished but unforgettable “us”. I envy you so much I love you. Is this how the infantile perversion which Freud is talking about really feels? Well, it’s not so bad.

You see, I’m chasing that 12 o’clock ride. I am chasing the sunrise, the sunset. I’m chasing the day before it’s over and before it begins. I am always chasing things. Always chasing deadlines, always chasing finish lines. Always chasing people. Always chasing changes. Always chasing the past, the future, even the present. Always chasing myself. I just wonder if somebody does the same thing.

Hold on tight, stellar. I can finally see the finish line. Just hold on.