blessings

My brother broods over his army of pimples sprouting out again. He always bugs mom to let him see a dermatologist for he’s already so sick of seeing his face every time he looks at the mirror. Well, that’s too bad for him since he’s like this person who not just looks at himself in the mirror but stares at himself really closely for several minutes. You know, doing this twists and turns, looking closely at his various angles. Just last night at dinner, he was worrying again for the same reason, “Ma, dumadami na naman yung pimples ko.” Feeling optimistic at the moment, I just told him “Ganun talaga. Kailangan yun (yung maraming pimples) para hindi ka maging masyadong gwapo.” Then my mom added, “Oo nga, ang vain – vain mo na nga eh kaya kailangan may imperfections ka din.” Then we giggled together. Well, my brother just kept quiet and went on with his meal. I don’t know if he’s satisfied with our assertion or if he thought we were so damn silly he’d rather keep quiet than argue with us.

But the truth is, I’ve always believed in what I just said to my sib. I mean, we can consider those things and persons that we have in our lives as blessings but haven’t we thought about it that it’s also a blessing not to have the things and the people that we already do not have? Absence – and not just presence – should also be considered as a blessing. Just look at this, we would also not be who we are right now at this very moment if not for the absence of such various things and persons. We always calculate what we lack although we’re already thankful for what we have. But I don’t think we usually thank God – or whoever, whatever – for the things that we do not have. We always consider those lacking as our imperfections and misfortune – but never as blessings.

If my brother wasn’t born having the genes of my father which causes him to have that army of pimples, I don’t think he would be the same person as he is now. Perhaps, he would be very vain – and gorgeous – so vain that he would have more cosmetic stuffs than me and my mom would have, so gorgeous that lots of girls – and gays - will go crazy over him. His life would be different. The way others see him and relate to him would be different. The way he sees himself would be different. He would be different. The same as what my friend and I used to talk about. Both of us think that if he isn’t gay, then maybe we would not become friends at all. He would be a far different person having a far different life. Perhaps he would be a macho papa now, having lots of women (ganun siya ka gwapo). He would probably even have become a father by the age of fifteen. Perhaps he would not be able to take up advertising. Perhaps his life would be in hell.

Of course, I also have the same sentiments. I must admit, I have lots of insecurities and I usually tend to compare myself with others. Sometimes I dream of being a different person, having a different face – my ideal face, I dream of having a different personality, possessing the qualities that I am so dying to have, being in another place, in another time. Sometimes I even feel like I would want to die than live in the same body and soul, living in the same place and reality. I am always thankful though for what I have and who I have in my life but still I can’t stop craving for more. However, this is what I get every time I do that – a slap on the face. Haller magising ka nga sa kabaliwan mo at tignan mo at mag-isip kang mabuti. If I would have the face and the qualities that I want, of course that would mean being born in a different family, having totally different parents. If I would be born in a different place and time, again of course that would mean I would have a far different way of thinking and doing things. Most probably, I would also not get the chance to meet and be with my loved ones. Perhaps I would have a different humor, a different outlook in life, a different frame of mind. I would be a totally different person. And I’m not sure I’m going to like it because so far I am already loving myself and my life and I would not want to change anything just for some selfish and petty reasons. I guess we humans really have this tendency to aspire for whatever that we do not have, thinking that we would be happier if only we will have those things. We feel we’re still incomplete and we keep on searching and aiming for the things – and the persons- that we think would complete us. Because of that we are never really happy. We are never fully satisfied and grateful just for being ourselves and just for being with the persons that we already have.

But when we finally get what we want do we really become happier? Do we really become complete? Maybe not, maybe yes. But whatever the answer may be, I think we’ll still be pretty fine even without gaining such endless wishes. We only desire non-stop because we continue to sort of fill that empty space in ourselves, in our lives. We are never satisfied with just ourselves and what life had already offered us. We think there’s always something – someone – that’s missing.

The only thing is, I think we should just be equally thankful and grateful for what we have and for what we do not. Besides, most probably we would all be in big trouble – and not in huge bliss - if we always get what we want.

Don’t you think so?