flap-flap.

Times like this really drive me overly insane. There are lots of things to think about. So many issues that bother me. Looking back on my recent posts, I can see how cerebral I’ve become. How monstrously cerebral I’ve become. I’ve been thinking too much, been analyzing too many things, reflecting on my life too often. I guess I’ve already tried hard enough to rearrange my life; to rearrange my spirit and my direction. I’ve somehow given up my bloody poetry, I painted my blog white, I used black (boring) font, I used English as much as possible (to have a pseudo-distance between me and my readers) and I made my blog a very circus-like-colorful one.

I refrained from flooding my entries with so much emotion. I tried so hard to be rational because in real life, I am really emotional. In fact, I am too emotional. And this poor blog is my escape. My safe place. A least here I can pause for a while, look at things in a wider range, weigh things carefully and try to find meaning and solutions to almost anything and everything in my life. At least here, I can find the comfort that I long for from the outside. At least here, I can be every person and everything that I need. I can still be complete with just myself. I can make or break myself anytime and in any way that I want to.

But the thing is I couldn’t stand it any longer.

I feel so sick every time I reread my fuckin’ feel-good posts. It’s because they are not me. I am not them and it makes me want to puke to think that I wrote them myself. I am not saying though that I was just lying after all. The thing here is that writing all of those (you know na) didn’t make me feel even an inch better. It’s obvious that my purpose is to rearrange my spirit – from a sulky pessimistic being to a bubbly optimistic one – but sadly, it seems that no matter how hard I try I still can’t do it. I just can’t.

Much worse (but I am expecting positive results from doing this though), I am starting to read books on how to understand myself. The way I become monstrously different at different times and at different instances.

I really want to get out. Get out and be totally free.