just crucify me or what?

I feel so bitchy today.

This morning when I woke up, I couldn’t pull off my self to get going and start my day. First, I had a very odd dream which amazed me and frightened me at the same time. I guess it was caused by my lack of sleep due to the debut party that I attended the other night. I felt – and still feel – restless. I want to drink more beer. I want to get groggy all day (and night). I want to goof around, just sing my lungs out and be pathetically senseless as long as I want to. I actually don’t have any problems at the moment but I sort of just want to be visible and invisible at the same time. I want to feel and not to feel. I want to know and not to know. I want to cry and laugh. I want to stay awake and sleep. I want to forget and remember. All at the same time.

Agh. I do not understand myself. I miss my friends – my barkada. I miss my buddy Dadang. I miss her! I miss her! Oh God I miss her! Also, I’m freaking obsessed and bothered by my film subjects. I’ve got to think of a concept for my first ever film production in my Film 112 class. I have to create a good and innovative script for my screenplay writing class. I have to gather all my public speaking and whatever communication skills for my communication theories class. I have to chase my former professor in Malikhaing Pagsulat for my unfinished grade (which means I have to be restless for as long as I can. I also have to postpone hating him). I feel like being pushed really hard into things that I am not ready for. The world of film and mass communication is so getting into my nerves, eating me up and all I can do is to keep going when all I really want to say and do is to STOP. I am doing my best to excel and to keep up with everybody but still I feel like being left behind. God, I do not even know how to edit a video, I do not know how to transfer the video from the cam to the computer, I don’t know what software to use, I don’t know how to insert sounds to accompany the images, I don’t even know how to use photoshop! Imagine that?!!! Paksyet! And now when people ask me what course I am taking up, of course I keep on saying that “Ha? Ako? Film”. Putang-ina yan. People are amazed when I tell them I study in UP Diliman taking up BA Film and Audiovisual Communication when in reality I cannot even enumerate the top films of all time. Alam mo yon? Actually, it’s one of the things that bother me so much. I mean, the idea that I study in UP DIliman. Putang-ina I hate it. In the first place, I didn’t even plan to study there. Swear. Yeah, of course I took the UPCAT but I just did it just for the heck of doing it. I just didn’t want to frustrate my parents. Also, of course I wanted to help them with regards to the financing – alam nyo na di hamak na mas mura naman sa UP. But that was all. Pero yun na nga, I passed. I passed and now I’m here, still in agony for being a UP student. UP teaches you arrogance – intended or misplaced. But of course, I like being in UP not just for the education but also because it’s there that I met some of the greatest people I could have known in this lifetime. Kaya lang paksyet kase. Alam mo yun as much as possible ayoko ng nalalaman ng kung sino (lalo na yung mga bagong kakilala out of UP) kung san ako nag-aaral. Masyado kasing nadidikit yung buo mong pagkatao sa kung san ka nag-aaral eh. Nakakabad trip lang yun. Sobra. Basta putang-ina yung ganon. Hell. I’m so jam packed with all sorts of stuffs! I want to really cry so badly now. I don’t know why, but I feel like being so weak to even think about all the things that I have to think.

I have lots of things to do and deadlines keep on chasing me painfully. Sadly, I cannot even find a pinch of inspiration to keep me going steady. Mahn, I need something to keep my fire burning!

What makes me feel worse is that I cannot point out where the problem comes from. I just have this feeling of wanting to be independent and dependent at the same time. I want to do things and decide just for myself – although a lot of people would consider it as pure selfishness. So far, I am not enjoying my current state, my present life. I’ve lots of things that I want to do but I cannot. I just can’t. How am I supposed to do them when I am just a kid?

Look, I want to take a leave of absence in school. 1 year would be the longest. I want to work and earn money for myself, for my thesis in the future. I want to do things alone. I want to cook my own meal, wash my own clothes, clean, paint and decorate my own room, shop my own clothes, buy my own cds, go to wherever I want to go, watch movies or maybe play bowling (though I do not know how). I just want to sail away for a while. Not to leave forever but to at least just have some space for myself for some time. Like what I told Dadang, I just want to live the real life (whatever that means). It’s just that I feel being crushed I want to puke just to stay alive. I want to just break away (or breakdown). I cannot really feel any longer. I feel phony. Hungry. Tired. Pathetic. I even feel not so human.

The thought of taking a leave for a year makes me excited but scared at the same time. What if I can’t make it? What if something happens which will hinder me from finishing my studies? What if I already reached my maximum residency in our college which means that if I do not graduate immediately they will automatically kick me out? What if I can’t find I decent job because I’m just an undergraduate? What if my parents hate me for doing such things? What if I lose all the way? What if I cannot reach my goals anymore? Where will I find myself years from now? Years after I decided to take that leave? I want to take that huge risk but I am also afraid. I’m not just afraid for my own failure but also afraid of disappointing my parents. My success is also their success and I know that having a college graduate child would be one of their greatest achievements in life. For sure I wouldn’t be able to bear with the hard feeling of disappointing them. After all these years. After all their sacrifices for us – for me. But still, a part of my mind tells me to take the risk. My bitchy self is saying to just go and ignore what others may feel or say because after all it’s only me who will know what’s right for my self. Even my parents cannot tell what my heart desires.

Aaahhh…I’m so fucked up. I feel so empty and powerless for I cannot decide for myself!!! I can’t because I am just a kid!!! And kids don’t know what’s right. Kids don’t know how difficult life is. Kids can’t make sound decisions. Kids aren’t sure of themselves. And kids are just kids!!! Period.

I hate this feeling. How I wish I were born with all the things I need to be immune with all the harshness and uncertainties of life. How I wish I have someone to talk to about just anything. I wish I have someone to listen and someone who will maybe help me organize my thoughts. Someone who will not judge me. Someone who will give me the advice I need only when I ask for it. Someone who will just believe in me. Most of all, someone who will find it easier to know that I am going through real tough times. (like hello? Mukha ba kong OK?)

I want an ate. Or a kuya. A teacher. A best friend. Or a wise stranger.

I’ve always been the ate, the listener, the adviser, the crying shoulder, the bullet proof. I’ve always been the invincible-miss-all-knowing. I’ve always been the ultimate cheerleader. I always knew what to do and how to do it (ask my friends and you’ll find out that all I’m saying is true – to their eyes). I always impress people with whatever decision-making skills that I’ve got. I’m always on the go. Always positive. Always bubbly. Always palaban.

But people, please look at me now. I am no super hero. I’ve got no more guts to help you out with whatever you’re up to. I also sometimes live in misery. I also feel pain. I also drown in depression. I also fail. I am no omnipotent. I need someone. I need you, my friends. Agh. I just hope somebody will hear and realize my plea.

I feel like bursting.