These I fear.

Commitment

You’re boxed. Wings paralyzed. Limbs nailed down. You can see the distance but you cannot break away. Your head is swimming in endless boundaries. You’re nowhere to be found but on the road that tells you where you should only go. I know it’s weird but this is how I feel every time the notion of commitment triggers my consciousness. Although of course there would be times when commitment comes as inevitable, I still cannot embrace it as something that I am willing to bring myself into. I just couldn’t take the risk of diving into it bringing with me every aspect of myself. Unfortunately, this fear of mine could be seen in different aspects of my life, particularly the relationships I’ve been to. First, I’ve never had a real best friend. Not that I never had any best bud – actually I did have a few – the thing is none of those really lasted that long. Maybe a couple only lasted for a year or two but none of them ever went longer and further than that. I had lots of close friends though and I’ve been into different circles of friends – both female and male. Second, aside from not having a real best friend is the fact that I also never had a real boyfriend. I have a few of could-have-beens though, but those were all relationships that are full of romance but without any piece of formal commitment. It’s not really because I am too choosy like what my friends think, but I believe it is because I am too afraid to take the risk of committing myself to somebody that I am not that sure of considering that no matter how I like that person he is still a stranger to me. Furthermore, I don’t know why but whenever I feel like somebody is starting to like me too much there’s this tendency for me to runaway from that person, from that thing that is just about to begin. Puzzling as it is, it seems that I just cannot like someone that much. The same thing with the other person, I feel like somebody cannot – and should not – like me that much. I usually bring out this border whenever I feel like I (or somebody) am starting to go one step further from my personal zone. It’s like already letting go when it hasn’t even begun. Another reason behind is maybe just my unreasonable excess of vanity. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m just too vain to take the risk and share a part of myself with somebody. Well, what do we know. . . Mediocrity This, too I fear a lot. For all my life I’ve always been struggling to aim high and I never settled for less. I do not brag of course but it’s just that it has always been a habit for me to shoot for the best. I’ve always been a wild dreamer and I like to push myself hardly to the limits and discover what I could become. I just like it that way. However, as I grow up I am starting to find myself walking side by side with the rest of just the others. I’m afraid I’m starting to lose my grip now and just let myself melt with whatever. Maybe part of it is because I am beginning to finally penetrate the vastness of the real world – the world which is also synonymous to greater diversity and competition. I never feared the idea of diversity and competition though, but I fear I might not be able to break into where the toughest belong. I fear of just settling for what I already have and what I already can do. I’m afraid of not stretching myself and my horizon to the furthest that is possible. It’s not that it’s such a bad thing to be a mediocre, but it’s that every one of us has her/his right – and yes, it is a right - to be the best of what she/he could be. I’m just afraid that I might not be able to fulfill that right for myself. I’m afraid of growing old without being able to face the child me while saying “This is what you really wanted, right? This is what we really wanted. I’m glad we made it. Congratulations.”