Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?
If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, and rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?
If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands—and that you aren't caring for him properly. Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans that introvert process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this important matter, be reassured that you are not alone. Introverts may be common, but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved groups in America, possibly the world.
What is introversion?
In its modern sense, the concept goes back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Today it is a mainstay of personality tests, including the widely used Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say "Hell is other people at breakfast." Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.
Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses."
How many people are introverts?
I performed exhaustive research on this question, in the form of a quick Google search. The answer: About 25 percent. Or: Just under half. Or—my favorite—"a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population."
Are introverts misunderstood?
Wildly. That, it appears, is our lot in life. "It is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert," write the education experts Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig. (They are also the source of the quotation in the previous paragraph.) Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.
Are introverts oppressed?
I would have to say so. For one thing, extroverts are overrepresented in politics, a profession in which only the garrulous are really comfortable. Look at George W. Bush. Look at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other people. To think of the few introverts who did rise to the top in politics—Calvin Coolidge, Richard Nixon—is merely to drive home the point. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, whose fabled aloofness and privateness were probably signs of a deep introverted streak (many actors, I've read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors), introverts are not considered "naturals" in politics.
Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, "Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?" (He is also supposed to have said, "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it." The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.)
With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.
Are introverts arrogant?
Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts. Also, it is probably due to our lack of small talk, a lack that extroverts often mistake for disdain. We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours. "Introverts," writes a perceptive fellow named Thomas P. Crouser, in an online review of a recent book called Why Should Extroverts Make All the Money? (I'm not making that up, either), "are driven to distraction by the semi-internal dialogue extroverts tend to conduct. Introverts don't outwardly complain, instead roll their eyes and silently curse the darkness." Just so.
The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through.
Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves. Still, we endure stoically, because the etiquette books—written, no doubt, by extroverts—regard declining to banter as rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."
'Think outside the box' (Jenny Yuen)
Many people prefer to spend time alone, work better independently than in group settings and cherish celebrating birthdays with close friends rather than with large groups. This introverted personality is often stereotyped as unstable, lonely and anti-social, but, Olsen Laney said there are many advantages to being introverted.
She said introverts are likely to be resilient, determined, good listeners, creative thinkers and very knowledgeable about themselves.
“Introverts think outside the box and express themselves better in writing than in speech,” Olsen Laney said.
Wil Ling, a 44-year-old introvert who was in the audience, said this way of thinking has its own uniqueness.
“North American society and culture seem to give preference to the outgoing person, but it’s good to see that being introverted has its own advantages,” said Ling, a freelance researcher and translator.
'Might be hereditary'
Although there aren’t any studies that show how introversion originates, Olsen Laney said it might be hereditary.
“I do think it’s genetic, because there are countries (where many people) are introverted,” she said, citing Japan as an example. “There are actually are genes that decide which neurotransmitter your brain is using, and then decides which pathway your brain goes down.”
Introverts and extroverts have very different thought pathways.
- The extrovert is known for the “fight-or-flight” personality, which involves information shooting toward emotional parts of the brain and then being stored in the short-term memory.
- Introverted personalities tend to run on a “rest-and-digest” route, where information is considered more analytically and is deposited in long-term memory.
“One system is focused on our inside world and another (on) the outside world,” she said. “We have and need both those systems, but we are dominant in either one or the other.”
A loss for words
The result, said Olsen Laney, is that introverted people may find they have difficulty retrieving words under pressure.
“Because our internal world is already quite active, we can easily get over stimulated, she said, speaking from her own experience. “That is when we get vapor-locked and can’t think as fast.”
This may lead some to believe introverts are stupid, but Olsen Laney said 16 per cent of gifted people are introverts.
“They need to learn how to retrieve long-term memories,” she said. “I often wondered why I could talk rather easily and meet new people and other times I didn’t have any thought in my mind.”
The answer may be in acetylcholine, a neurotransmitter that regulates human memory. Olsen Laney said a lack of acetylcholine was recently linked to Alzheimer’s disease, and that eating eggs, which contain those receptors, can give introverts that added memory boost.
“It might be possible that introverts that keep their acetylcholine levels up may not get Alzheimer’s,” she said.
'Behavior often mistaken for aloofness'
Introversion may also affect one’s family life if there is a clash of extroverted parents with introverted kids. It may also impact one’s career if a boss does not think an introverted employee contributes enough because introverts tend to keep information to themselves. This behavior is often mistaken for aloofness.
“If you just ask them, it’s amazing what ideas they’ll tell you,” she said.
Still, Olsen Laney said there are ways for introverts to cope with uncomfortable social functions without mentally breaking down. She said they can be social at events where there is interesting conversation, but not when it’s a party that they feel is meaningless.
“Introverted people don’t like to be interrupted because it’s hard to find your train of thought again,” she said. “A lot of the reasons introverted people are seen the way they are is because chit-chat is totally unrewarding for our system.”
Ling agreed.
“I feel I can build a deeper relationship with maybe not a lot of friends, but with a few that I prefer to build up in an intimate way,” he said.
How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice?
First, recognize that it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation.
Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?"
Third, don't say anything else, either.
Thanks to these people, Jonathan Rauch and Jenny Yuen for these very enlightening articles (which I merged into one).
Well, finally I’ve figured out lots of things about myself (Yes, I am an introvert and I’m nothing but proud to be one.) For many years, I have been thinking about the way I behave and why do lots of people usually misunderstand me. I kept on finding the reasons why they usually don’t get my point, why do they treat me the way they do and why can’t I easily fit in. Thanks to God and to this article for now I’ve finally solved one of the most complicated puzzles I was carrying for so many years. I hope you guys are well informed as well. This information would be a lot of help for so many introverts out there who are all just like me – misunderstood.
Btw, all of those emphases are mine. = )
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
posted by
Sinukuan at 12/28/2005 12:18:00 AM
4comme
nts
August 2005
: iris_stellar28@yahoo.com
: iris_stellar28
