alone with nostalgia.

Rewind for a day. Nakakalungkot mag-reminisce kapag dumadating na sa point na gusto mong ibalik yung dati kahit isang segundo lang, kahit saglit lang pero syempre hindi mo magawa. Minsan naiisip ko, para saan pa ang memories, mafufrustrate ka lang – this I uttered as my two greatest friends, Kelly and Aileen walked towards FC in UP Diliman just last week. We went there just so we can have some time together before another sem crush us (also, to have a sort of negotiation thing with my scriptwriting class prof. but unfortunately he didn’t come to see me. I hate him. Arrrgh.)

We just talked (and shouted?!) for hours about everything and anything that came to us - about school, family, relationships, dreams, vocabularies (scarcity, kiosk, dryness?), our high school days, our good old jokes, our future etc. I took them to FC (Faculty Center), to my college (which is Masscomm), to the Cine Adarna (UP Film Institute) and lastly to the Sunken Garden where we watched the clouds sail as we continued our conversation.

After that, we went to Glorietta. Aileen bought us waffles first when we were still in Quezon Ave. MRT station (she always treat us, you know. Whatta rich girl! yebah! Hehe) and we ate it when we reached the place. Nothing, we just strolled and window-shopped. We goofed again and laughed and goofed again. Then we abruptly decided to go home and eat goto in Bayan (sa bayan ng San Pedro, Laguna. Mabuhay!) as we reminisce the times when we used to eat together there after classes instead since it’s already getting dark and we didn’t want to be stuck in the traffic (unfortunately, the first bus that we got in was doomed by some teki problems so we had to be transferred to another bus).

The day was really a blast. I was nothing but so so so happy to be with them again. God knows how I love those guys. I really do. I am not as happy (and crazy?) when I am with others than when I am with them. Like what Kelly said “ngayon lang kasi ako ulit sumaya ng ganito” – yeah, I also felt the same way. You see, it’s really different when I’m with them (my high school and forever best friends). I feel so myself when I’m with them, I mean the bubbly, crazy and wild ME. I just missed my old self. The real me. haaay… I just love you, guys. Sobra.

Feeling the sepia times.

Maselang bahaghari sa aking isipan wag kang mabahala di kita malilimutan, paglipas ng ulan ay babangon muli ang araw. wag sanag mawala ang maselang bahaghari. This E-heads cd makes me more nostalgic. Aaawww. How I miss the 90’s - my innocent-simple-but-happy days. The days when I used to take a bath in the poso with my brothers as we play toy boats and toy guns. My tomboyish days – full of scars, bruises, sun burn, cries, laughter, silly adventures, make-believe reality, bikes, piko, taguan, patintero, langit-lupa, ten-twenty, beinte-uno, taguan.

The bleeding star.

It’s only a couple of days since I decided to be a cartoon star but I kind-of miss my pink-black-bleeding self already. I miss my poetry so so much. However, I’ve decided to do some sketching and doodling for a while (a thing that I haven’t done for a long time) since I’ve finally found Kaia, my super charcoal pencil (how about naming all of my stuffs?) in my treasure chest full of small wonders (tenen!). But for sure I’ll continue my poetry perhaps after a few weeks or months ‘til I finally liberate myself from . . . some of my melodramatic-and-silly-but-also-metaphoric issues.

And yeah, I am looking forward to seeing you again. I also miss the pain.

My Un-New Year’s Day

A new lay-out means a rebirth – well, at least for me. I know my “former” blog seemed like a mad lover’s sanctuary. I’ve been making my journal bleed like hell. I’ve been making a mess out of the supposed-to-be-jolly world. I’ve been too dramatic. So dramatic that sometimes when I look back at my oh-so-fucking poetic posts I wanna go mad and kill myself because they’re so damn majestic (?) (At least for me). They even sometimes make me wonder if I really wrote them myself (not that I am so confident about them). However, I do not really hate my melodramatic self for being able to write those stuffs. They aren’t trash and they would never be. Perhaps, only a few would appreciate them but they’ll never ever be a crap – not just for me – but for whoever who has a heart (or is it hypothalamus?) to feel. The truth is I miss my old melodramatic self. I miss the urge of letting my emotions burst through my little knowledge of word play. I miss how my heart and entire being melt for a moment as I reread what I’ve just written. I just miss the pain of my life – that’s it. Pain is not evil. Pain is life and pain is beautiful. Pain is love. Pain is hope. Pain cuts deep. Pain enables me to be the best and worst of myself and sometimes I wish I could have the pain back (or get used to pretending to have it) so that I can write again. It just feels so phony when you write bitter sweet lines when you really want to do is to party all night (and unfortunately I love writing bitter sweet stuffs). The words would not come out right, the emotions would not drown you and the entire stuff would not be sincere. And that’s the right time that you should call your work – a crap. It may contain those emotions you want the reader to feel, but you may not be able to really feel it yourself (which gives you all the reason to trash it out). In short, I just want to be over with those dramas and try to live a “new” life.

So I am writing this stuff to make the change in me official. Change is a choice so I decided to change and it’s not always in the New Year that we can do it, right? We can do it anytime and I decided to do it now. I am not changing for anybody, but for myself. I am changing because I wanted to and I do enjoy even the mere thought of it. I decided to make my blog a white one so as to make my thoughts as clearly expressed as possible (not that black has done so much clogging in my nervous system). White is simple and I just wanted to make everything now simple. The black font also means (for me) simplicity and frankness and I also strive to be like that. I removed most of unnecessary-but-cute-stuffs to add as well to the simplicity that I am longing for here. I wish to avoid tear jerker posts so I think I would not be using Tagalog (I do hope I can make it) as much as I could for there’s a certain dramatic effect whenever I use it (don’t you think so?). Of course, I would not stop writing melodramatic poems but I think I would have to create a separate webbie for that so as not to drive the visitors crazy and to avoid them feeling sorry for me. I’ve already drowned so much into the hopefully-most-dramatic-stage-in-an-adolescent’s-life and now I’m going back to the shore. I’m now saying goodbye to my love-suicidal-slash-super-dreamy-of-the-“ideal” self for I’ve decided to be “normal” again; I want to be rational again (no matter how I hated it, I still have to accept that I belong to the society who lives in a left-brained world with all its (boring) logic and rationality). It’s either, be rational or perish. I’m leaving and I’m making my way to find the next stop for me; to continue my journey. Now, I am so looking forward to being with my “cartoon self”. Just in case you are wondering’ why I want to be a “cartoon star”, well it’s because I wanted to be a cartoon character all my life. Ha-ha. Cartoons can do whatever they like; stretch their arms, make their eyes pop out, swallow their noses, and grow as big as a tornado and lots of amazing stuffs. They could also laugh and cry so flamboyantly and people would still accept it and find it “normal”. They are the actors and actresses of their own stage. There are no rules for them and they are just cute and happy. I wanna laugh, blab, slack, doodle, party, eat, goof, sob, jumble, dance, sing, criticize and go crazy so hard.

Happy Un-New Year’s Day to everyone!

segway:

i'm just SO SO pissed off (so pissed off i have to blog it here) for getting a NO GRADE in my Scriptwriting class. I found out (by texting my professor) that it's because my professor didn't got my final paper. That means, I have to meet him on Monday and resubmit the whole thing. Praise God for i haven't deleted it yet in the PCs documents. Anyway, at least because of this I would get to have that date with my dear friend bambina (and btw, that's not her real name) before she stucks herself in that tutorial class that she''ll be having in just a couple of days.

*******

hi michael, i know you won't read this (but who knows? maybe in the future when i die. oops) but i just want the whole world (as if) to witness how i greet you a . . . HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Aha! and you've been away again and just wonderin' maybe you could take me to one those Baguio trips-slash-seminars of yours next time? But then, you are "forgiven" for not celebrating your birthday with us. You torture me for making me miss you this much. i hate you. hehe joke, joke. i love you still so, show me that face again please?

(since im really in the mood to write)

Simple heart shits.

Me and my high school (and forever) friend Mr. Blank (he’s really gonna kill me if I mention his name) had this sort of emo-talk over the phone just the other day (but not entirely emo of course). Well, we’re not really in the mood for that one since he just called to ask me about that reunion thing I was planning for the whole tropa. But then, out of a long while of not seeing each other we just started blabbing about our lives. Then it came to the point where he opened the topic of his “recent life”, how it has been and blah-blah. He hesitated for a while whether he’s going to tell me about his “recent issues” for he fears that I might just laugh at him (silly, boy). But then because of my oh-so-good-convincing powers, he also gave in.

It’s about him and his girlfriend. He told me that they’ve only been together for about ten days (til the day we had this emo-talk) and now he is already breaking up. He wanted to trash the whole relationship (this early) for he doesn’t love (or should I say, like?) his girlfriend THAT much. Not that all, for the real reason is because he is STILL in love with his past love. They really didn’t become “them” (being in a romantic relationship) but he said that he still feels the same strong feeling for her (btw, SHE is also my friend. Both of them are my high school friends). He feels so crushed up for he doesn’t want to break his girlfriend’s heart just because of this girl that he know he would never ever have.

I was just nothing but shocked when I knew about this for all this time I thought he was already over her. But yeah, I was wrong. I am wrong. He is still crazy for her, crazy crazy. And so as the usual thing, I gave him some pieces of advice on what to do with this love thing. I asked him why does he like “her” (I mean the real love of his life) and he just answered me with a “ewan ko.basta ganun eh.” And so I then replied with a “oo sa bagay, minsan naman nagugustuhan mo lang ang isang bagay o tao dahil gusto mo lang eh.” I actually had no idea on what to say and I just ended up giving him silly suggestions like “maglasing ka muna tapos kausapin mo siya para pag nasabi mo na yung gusto mong sabihin at sinampal ka na niya tapos na.pag gising mo bukas okay na normal na ulit.” But of course I would not want him to do that, that is cowardice, isn’t it?

So after a long pause, a few sighs and some “hoy, ano na?”we went on with our talk. I just knew then that he would inject this love thing between me and another friend of ours (Which likes me for years. Hehe. I am not bragging here okay but that’s the whole pathetic truth). He said, “ooh alam ko ikaw pa rin ang gusto non. Matagal kasi malalim”. Huh? “malalim kasi yung feelings nya sayo kaya matagal yung mawawala.” Then he jus went on “wala ba kayong future? Ang cute siguro pag naging kayo.” Then, “hindi mo ba siya gusto?” and I said “gusto - dati. nung 4^th year tayo pero hindi na ngayon” “baket? Sayang naman pala. Tatanga-tanga kasi siya.” “eh ayoko na eh. Ayoko lang. basta ayoko na.tsaka may ___ nako. Oo yung fahfah kong bading.” Then we just burst out laughing. But because I am such an evil creature, I went on with my revenge, “hooh, sinasabi mo lang yan para maghanap ka ng karamay mo eh.gusto molang isama si _____ dahil katulad mo siya, hopeless sa taong gusto niya talaga.” “hay naku daena (that’s me!), tigilan na nga to ayaw na kitang kausapin inaaway mo ko.” Haaaa…poor bunny.

More arguments followed and I kept on torturing him a lot.

But then…

“nakakatawa noh, tayo ganitong kababaw pinag-uusapan naten habang si ____ (I’d rather not mention any names) imagine eh buhay may asawa na ang inaatupag.” I murmured.

“Yuck pang teen-ers talaga.” the poor bunny agreed.

But because I am just so evil and crazy I continued, “pero ako rin! Gusto kong maexperience ulit yung ganyan. Yung ganyang klase ng problema. Ang tagal na kasi eh since last akong nagka stupid heart ache.”

“shoooosh..wag na. hindi masaya.”, like he wanted to slap my face and disappear.

my tuesday marathon.

i'm all about love.

Love. There it is. Scattered on the floor. Posted on the walls. Trashed in the tin can. Kept inside a shoebox. Collected in a photo album. Hidden under the pillows. Sticked inside the wallet. Pasted in the notebook. Love is everywhere. I am everywhere. And I am inlove everday with everything.

I know it sounds fine yet sounds scary for I don’t usually feel this way. Although that is the whole truth – I am inlove. Just plain inlove. With the laces of my pink pillow. With the trickling of the water in the faucet. With my baby fishiiiees. With the clothes hanging in our backyard. With the baby spoon. With the fresh batteries. With the borrowed vcds. With the warm water of my chocolate drink. With the orange curtains in our living room. With my baby DJ’s artworks. With my mom’s cooking. With my glittered powder blue flip-flops. With chocnuts and mentos. With icy water in my glass. With my still curly hair. With my black and white photos from my photography class. With the ringing of the door bell. With the cool smell of our bathroom every morning. With my dangling earrings. With the cirrus clouds. With the rains. With our yellow-lighted streets here in our subdivision. With warm kisses from baby DJ, chai2 and leinard. And with lots of stuffs scattered all around me. . .

Everything seems to be just that beautiful. Lovely. Amazing. And I am nothing but falling inlove here as I discover those small wonders. I can feel my senses working on well (finally). At last, I am now harvesting the fruit of using these God-given senses to the fullest (at least these days). It just feels good. Feels like I’m born again.

Just hoping that by the time you finish reading this, you’ll also be infected with the love virus that i have.

The deli hopia made me do this.

I remember how my friends talk about their plans for their lives, about their ambitions, their dreams, even the weirdest and wildest of them. I remember how my dear friend Michael (who’s actually celebrating his 18^th birthday on the 21^st) stood beside me, here in our balcony as he confessed his wants after graduating his advertising course. He said he wanted to work in an advertising company (of course), he wanted to wear corporate attire, have his own luxurious car and enjoy his life. I also remember him saying how he wanted to go to US and have his sort of independent life there. I remember him as he imagined his hair being blown by the winds as he journey along the endless highway (is it in Texas, dear?) riding his (again) luxurious car (I doubt if it’s color red). Well, I wonder if he still has the same dreams now.

But honestly, I sort of envy him because of that. I’ve known him for about five years now and I always knew how goal-oriented he is. He knows what he wants and he knows how to get it. His dreams have always been clearly painted on his memory and I can see it. It’s obvious. Yeah, I’m kind of jealous of how sure he is – of himself, of his life, his dreams. I am just amazed by him because I am the direct contradiction of what he is and I know that. You see, I am this person who just does most of the things out of intuition and opportunity. “Come inside whenever there is an open door”, my compulsive self usually commands. Yep, I have dreams of course but they’re not as clear as let’s say, Michael’s and most of the people I know. They’re not even grand enough like other’s dreams (perhaps, including yours). And I know for a fact how goal-disoriented I am. Not that I do not try to reach my goals – of course I do, I always do – it’s just that I do not really grip onto them that hard. I always change my mind. I keep on drifting, drifting. Life’s a big ocean for me and I am a humble sailor. I’ve got no rules for going forward nor going back – I just sail and let the winds take me, guide me. I must say, I also look forward to the future but I usually try to avoid doing it at the same time. Thinking about the future just terrifies me and paralyzes me, and gawd I hated that. Because of that, I am (but not have always been) living my life day by day, minute by minute. I try to focus myself on the things that I have today, on the things that I can do now. I try to focus on my struggling self now and not my “dream self” partying in the future. Besides, there is so much to learn, seize, enjoy and treasure on the present, even on this very moment that I’m writing this stuff. Even the moment you do nothing but listen to your heartbeat and breathe, the moment you just stare blankly at space as thoughts drown you or the moment you realized that you are doing nothing but watch time pass by you.

Yeah, I have dreams but they are as “little” as making somebody smile or making someone blush. My dreams may be petty compared to the dreams that others have (again, that includes you) but all of it means a lot to me. I do not dream of fame or abundant riches but I do want to live beside a beach so that I’ll get to witness how the sun rises and sets every single day. I don’t dream to be liked and loved by lots of people, but I do hope that I get to share so much love, so much love that it’s just enough to make my blood flow (huh?). Nothing, I just have this thousands of dreams that keep on growing every day and night. Some of them are really wild, some are so ideal (so ideal it’s unreal), quite a few are what we call “practical”, some are weird, others funny while some are just pretty sweet.

It’s just that, I feel I am not like the “normal” people are (what’s normal anyway?). I don’t know why, but I sense something “anomalous” about me (hehe) and this dream-goal-ambition-stuff thing is I think but one of its symptoms (tenen!). Hell, my parents will surely crucify me if they knew about this. They wouldn’t be too glad to know that they’re spilling out a lot of money in this film course I’m taking with all these stuffs running through my head (not that everything is wasted though ‘cause I can guarantee it’s not). Haha. Chll out.

With stripes and luminosity.

1. Shock 101.

As I was browsing nanay’s (my grandma) photo albums, a horrible thing caught my attention. My eyeballs felt like popping out of its sockets as I lift that one single photograph into my face like I was examining it. “Syet, bakit nandito ‘to? Baka marami na ang nakakita dito ha? Bakit ba dinidisplay pa ‘to ni nanay?!” my aghast self mumbled. I hurriedly picked it up, looked around me to make sure that no one is aware of what I am about to do, then quickly slipped it inside my shirt, took it home then trashed it in my drawer (not that it’s like a trashcan or something).

JS prom non, magkatabi kame sa pic. Matte gold na haltered strap ang suot ko at siya naman dark blue na coat. Mukha kaming tingting at basang sisiw. Magulo ang background dahil lahat atat magpapicture.

2. Liberation for free.

3 weeks, 5 weeks . . . I think it’s already two months now since I formally reloaded my cellphone. If it wasn’t for anything emergency, I’d probably won’t be reloading it at all. Tons of new promos from sun cell, smart, globe, touch mobile etc. do not interests me and all I care about is to make some lambing to nanay to ask for some pasaload. Hehe. The good thing is, I’ve just realized that it is indeed possible for me to live without my mobile phone. I just escaped from one prison there! Whew!

3. Kikay alert!

This is the end of the world, people. The self-proclaimed-fashion-“conservative” is starting to wear mini skirts again. Is this me? Well, how horrible.

4. Asian mania.

I’ve been renting and watching lots of films these past few days. I’ve watched Hero and The House of flying Daggers (because my artsy friend aleli recommended them) recently and I just loved them both. Now, I’m looking forward to a lot of films like those including 2046 (shocks, wala kasi akong mahiram eh umaalog ang videocity dito samen) and I think I’m gonna share more kwentos with aleli when 2^nd sem comes.

reasons for staying up late this sembreak.

1. To experience how to abuse myself (again) not because I have to (school stuffs) but because I just want to. This time, I am the boss. Yeyness!

2. To peek into the aquarium and see how my baby fishiiees sleep. Hangkyuuut.

3. To watch my mom and my sibs joggle in their places as they sleep side by side. To stare at their tranquil faces as they lose themselves into dreamland. To pray for them as I watch them sleep. Or… to kiss them without them knowing it. Haha!

4. To watch the late night shows in national geographic channel.

5. To embrace and appreciate the silence of the evening.

6. To drink and talk with my friends all night regarding stuffs about anything and everything.

7. To wait for the sunrise (now, this is not just staying up late.)

8. To make love with the stars (of course, it’s metaphorical).

9. To write . . . write . . . and write . . . anything that comes to my mind.

10. To have all the time for myself. Reflecting just about anything regarding me and my life (something I cannot do during daytime).

11. To be all too romantic as I listen to the cheesy songs on the radio.

12. To have enough time to be with my first love – drawing (the darkness of the night gives me the mood for it).

13. To play the keyboards again (mahina naman eh, ok lang). It’s something I haven’t done since the classes started. Feels like I am as clueless as a beginner again.

14. To raid the fridge! Aha! All you yogurts prepare!

15. To sleep on the couch or my bed without knowing it. To sleep without having energy left to think and worry, only to breathe and to keep my heart beating.

btw, im officially over with the haircut thing though it only happened yesterday. it still looks bad of course, but well perhaps it's not THAT bad at all. (uuuyyy...pampalubag loob)

babala: mas matalim ang dila kesa sa gunting.

sinong gusto ng sapakan? ng upakan? patayan? putcha gusto kong mag-amok talaga. as in ngayon. as in now na. lintek na bakla yan ginago yung gupit ko ! ! ! haller? isang taon ko tong pinahaba ! i repeat it ! isang taon ! isang taon akong nagtiis na wag magpagupit. hindi alam ng universe kung gaano kahirap para saken ung wag magpagupit ! sacrifice yun dahil napaka-insatiable kong tao at madali akong magsawa sa kahit anong bagay kasama na ang buhok ko! tapos. . . umaasa ako na magiging masaya ang feeling ng mahaba ang hair tapos medyo kulot pa. ipapaayos ko lang sana eh... papakortehan ko lang. tapos anong nangyari ??? hindi naman kasi ako vain eh. hindi ako ganung kaconscious sa itsura ko at hindi ako maarte talaga sa katawan in general kaso. . . nakakabadtrip lang kase talaga. siguro naman lahat ng tao eh gustong maging mukhang tao diba? at siguro naman kasama ako don? kaya yon. tangina lang talaga kase (okay tang-ama.feminist ako eh nakalimotan ko.tawa pa.tawa.) so. . . maghihintay nanaman ako ng isang taon para mapahaba to ! leche talaga ! ! ! at ayokong makakarinig na may magsasabi sakeng "ok lang yan, hindi naman masagwa ha." o kaya naman "ayos lang yan, maganda ka pa rin naman". tangina gagawa non. masunog na sana sa kinatatayuan niya dahil kahit sino hindi sasantuhin tong buhok ko. at alam ko yun kaya ayokong may mambobola saken. tanga siguro ko at malabo ang mata pero hindi naman ako bulag. at may salamin naman kami sa bahay. marammme. mabuti pa ang gawin niyo na lang eh samahan nyo ko sa pagmura sa gumupit saken o kaya naman ipagdasal nyo na lang na wag akong madepress at pagising ko bukas eh tawanan ko na lang ang lahat ng mga kaanghangan kong pinagsasabi dito at humaba na agad ang buhok ko. pero wag nyo na kong bolahin. please lang. ampanget lang kasi talaga. siguro dapat na kong bumili ng bagon pony tail para maipitan na lang tong buhok na to hanggang sa maging katanggap-tanggap na ang itsura niya. pota. dapat humingi ako ng pambili ng ipit sa baklang yun. . . . isa na lang putang ina talaga ! ! ! putang ama talaga ! ! ! (para fair.) ( pasensya na kayo naiimbyerna lang talaga ko. naging instant shock-absorber tuloy kayo.) (at isa pa, hindi ko talaga hate ang mga bakla.pasensya na sa paggamit ko ng term na yun dito. naiinis lang kasi talaga ko sa ginawa niya pero hindi ko rin naman siya hate as in siya bilang tao at bilang bakla.sana lang walang makamisunderstood kung sino man ang makakabasa nito.)

kwentu-kwentuhan.

nagulat + natuwa = naloka oo. kanina kase galing akong school kinuha ko yung plates ko sa photography class ko. actually, super tinatamad akong pumunta kasi wala pang 30 mins. ang itinatagal ko dun samantalang halos 4 hours ang byahe ko balikan (from san pedro, laguna - diliman q.c). isa pa, kagagaling ko lang dun kahapon kasi nagpasa ako ng final paper sa broadcomm class ko naman kaya tinatamad na ko. kaso etong si pedok tumawag saken nung mga hapon (actually tumatawag din siya ng mga 11 am kaso hindi ko sinasagot kasi nasa kalsada ako nun) at ang sabi kunin na nga daw ung plates. napilitan tuloy akong sumugod kanina kasi last day na ng film department ngayon. pero ano itu? tama nga si pedok, matataas yung bigay ni sr sa mga last plates! matataas nga yung grades ko..at eto pa..may flat uno ako!!! as in! as in may nakalagay pang V.G! woah...as in naloka ako talaga. yun pa naman yung hindi ko ineexpect na mataas yung grade kasi desperado na ko nung kinuha ko yung pic na yun. landscape pa yun ha at sa loob lang ako ng campus nagkuha ng pic.so, finally nawala na worries ko sa final grade ko dun.sure na ko na makaka line of one ako dun. baka 1.5. ayos na yun. nakonsyus + kinabahan = napraning kaninang pagsakay ko sa MRT, may mamang sumakay din. nung nakatayo pa lang ako nakatingin na siya saken tapos nung umupo na ko nakatingin pa rin siya. tapos nung bumaba na kami sa quezon ave. station kasunod ko rin siya. pagbaba ko ng hagdan akala ko nagdisappear na siya. naglakad na ko sa may sidewalk kung saan lahat ng galing sa MRT eh naglalakad. tapos maya - maya nakita ko nanaman siya. binabagalan ko yung lakad ko para huwag ko siyang makasabay kaso palingon-lingon siya tapos nung nakita niya ko, tumigil siya at pinauna niya ko. napraning lang ako kasi feeling ko sinusundan niya ko.binilisan ko yung lakad ko hanggang sa makarating na ko sa terminal ng jeep papuntang UP campus. nag-disappear na siya.whattarelief. akala ko naman sinusundan niya ko talaga. wala lang, napraning lang ako talaga. akala ko ihahanda ko na ang mga deadly weapon ko.hehe. nakatapos + nakalagpas = nagbakasyon finally, tapos na ang first sem! yeyness! hindi ako makapaniwala na nakasurvive ako.wow.inaamin ko talagang nahirapan ako nitong sem kasi imagine kakashift ko lang ng course at campus.sobrang daming adjustments at ang dami talagang pagbabago kaya ayun hassle.pero ayan ang saya lang isipin na ang dami kong naaccomplish ngayong sem na to. imagine, nakasurvive ako sa photography class ko na matataas ang grades ko? waw. at nagawa ko yung paper ko sa broadcomm ko na ayos den? tapos nakasurvive ako kay sr rene villanueva na sobrang pasaway? at nakarir ko rin ang film 100 ko? pati yung urban sociology ko na-keri ko? pati din syempre yung comm100 ko na sabi ng sub naking prof eh pang masters daw ung topics? haay.ang saya saya lang. this 2nd sem alam ko mas mabigat pa.18 units pa ren pero puro majors na tsaka dalawang PE.sasali na rin ako ng maraming org.haller sana lang mabuhay pa ko after nun. pero ngayon, relax muna ko.pasarap muna naman.weee...

mabango ang busilak.

habang ang ligawan ay trenta na pesos na lang o pwedeng unlimited din... habang ang sex ay 20 per hour na lang... habang ang kasal ay panakip-butas na lang...

habang halos lahat ng tao ay nagpapakaputa upang matikman si kakatihang nagkukunwaring siya si pag-ibig...

heto ka natutulala. natutulala sa tanawin ng babaeng pumipigil sa hininga mo. natutulala sa kabuuan niyang sapat na upang ikaw ay sumuko. natutulala habang sa isang sulok ay may mga matang nagmamasid.

napapangiti.namamangha.nagpapasalamat.

feels great.

the ate cries.

guess what? I am starting to bond again (at last! After a very long time) with my sib. It’s just that I discovered lately that my brother Pao is really into poetry and short stories (ayon sa kanyang resume na nakita ko sa my documents.harhar). Yeah, I never did imagine that he will be engrossed in those things. Aside from that, he is really making his own poems and he composes his own songs! (I learned about this as I crept into their room: the boys’ blue room) Wow grabeh. And did I mention that he is the lead vocal of his band when he was in high school? Yeah, you bet it. The girls go ga-ga over him. crush ng bayan ang lolo mo. Well, I couldn’t be any prouder.

However, it’s not really that we “bond” and we do our own hobbies together. It’s just that finally (after a long period) we’re talking again (and yeah it means so much to me). He consults me again regarding some stuffs like “ate, san ka ba nakakakuha ng mga animated gif.?” Or “ate, sayo ba yung libro don yung black? Peram naman ako gusto kong basahin” or “ate, pwede bang mag-animate sa U-lead? Try mo nga ha”. Things like that. Things that may be petty to you but mean a lot to me.

Yes, I miss my brother so much although we’re still living in the same roof. You see, we’re really THIS CLOSE when we were still young (I mean mga elementary days). He used to be my first and ever playmate when we’re little, my buddy sa kainan, sa videoke, sa kalokohan, sa asaran, sa patintero, langit-lupa, ten-twenty etc. We used to do things together not until we reached – puberty (syet). Of course, I’ve grown ahead of him in the first place. We do not bond that often anymore since I’d rather spend my time with my tropa. After some time, he then followed. I just woke up one morning knowing that he is not the same buddy that I used to have. He would not talk to me about his crush, his assignments, his mga kahihiyan. He wouldn’t goof with me anymore. Until today.

Waaahh… what should I expect nga naman? Binata na ang utol ko. Mas matangkad na siya saken. Payat na siya at ang asarin siyang Bob (pasosyal term for baboy) ay isa ng error in perception. Vain na rin siya ngayon at mas matagal pa siyang maligo saken. Mas inaabuso na rin niya ang salamin kesa saken. Palagi na siyang may katelebabad sa cellphone. Palaging nagtetext o kaya nakikipag chat sa ym. Mahilig na rin siya sa porn. Hindi na siya madaldal. It’s just sad when you think about the way you used to be. The way you were. Huhuhu drama. But anyway, at least we’re showing some progress na. Finally, finally we’re talking again like other siblings do.

Ate ang tawag niya saken at ako naman kuya ang tawag ko sa kanya. Masaya lang.

thanksies!!!

this is from my friend ayeka. thank you dear, you're so thoughtful talaga! bawi ako sayo next time pramis! take care!

greetings of love. (naks)

happy birthday papa!!! i loooooove you!

kolads.

ako ay nagluluksa. napipi ka na kase at namanhid. hindi ko alam kung baket. bumara na ang koneksyon natin. natuyo na ang mga cellphone. natigang na ang friendster. unti-unti ko na nga ring nakakalimutan kung anong itsura mo eh. bumibitiw ka na ba? bakit. sabi ko tahan na. huwag ka ring maligalig masyado at kumapit ka ng mahigpit. baka mahulog ka. hindi ako si darna at hindi kita kayang saluhin ng ganong kabilis. mahina ako at alam kong hindi mo alam kung gaano ako kahina. baka hindi kita makayanan. marami na rin kasi akong pinapasan. masaya ka lang kasi lahat ng gusto mo nakukuha mo. pero mas mapalad pa ang mga walang malamon kesa sayo. huwag mo kong tignan ng ganyan. marami na ngang problema dito sa pilipinas at kahit pa martial law na tayo o hinde eh hindi na mahalaga. nasa impyerno na tayo talaga. oo, tumaas na naman ang pamasahe. alam kong dapat na kong maglakad na lang kaso baka hindi na ko makaabot ng buhay sa pupuntahan ko. paluma na ng paluma ang wallet mo at parami na ng parami ang linya sa mukha mo. pati varicose veins. tama ka rin, malapit na tayong magka-cancer.pero huwag mo kong tignan ng ganyan dahil alam mong papatay ako ng kapitbahay para lang may makain tayo. at syempre tatawa ka ng malakas pag nalaman mong ganun ang iniisip ko. hindi madali. hindi madali. ayoko diyan kasi naiipit ako. ayoko kasi hindi ako makatawa, hindi ako makasigaw. hindi ako makahinga. hindi nila ako kilala at parang ayaw naman nila akong makilala. anino lang ako diyan kaya ayoko. pero kailangan. ampootah. yehey. sa wakas magaling ka na. sa wakas marunong ka nag umubo. so ibig sabihin hindi na kita kailangan pang i-enroll sa school para lang matutong umubo. namiss kita. namiss ko yung smile mo sa umaga. pa-kiss nga. huwag kang masyadong lalapit. nangangagat ako. mukha ka pa namang masarap. maganda ka pa rin. maganda ka pala. maganda ka naman palagi. hmmmm.. malapit na ang sembreak. nasasabik ako. magkikita na ulit tayo.

sa pagitan ng alikabok at kalsada.

Ahhhchiiiing!!!

Hindi ko maipaliwanag kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay allergic pa rin ako sa alikabok. Samantalang, lumaki naman ako sa siyudad – madumi, mabaho at magulo. Sa siyudad na siyang kahalintulad din ng mundo naming dalawa.

Oo nga at katabi ko siya ngayon dito sa ilalim ng araw, sa harap ng mga rumaragasang sasakyan ngunit wala rin naming kaibahan. Blangko ang lahat. Animo’y wala akong katabi. Tulad ng nakasanayan ko, nananatili pa ring matapang at walang bakas ng anumang pag-aalinlangan ang kanyang mukha. Nakakunot ang nooy na tila’y may malalim na iniisip. Kung ano man o kung sino man ang kanyang iniisip ay natitiyak kong hindi ako at hindi iyon tungkol sa kung ano mang mayroon kami ngayon.

Aray!

Ang matatalim na alikabok ang siyang gumambala sa aking pagmumuni-muni. Makirot at mahapdi…singhapdi ng sugat kong hanggang ngayon ay nananatiling sariwa pa. Nanunuot sa buo kong kamalayan. Ako ay bahagyang napaluha.

O ayan, masakit pa ba?

Marahan niyang hinipan ang aking hindi na maimulat na mga mata. Ang hininga niya ay tulad pa rin ng dati. Malamig. Mabango. Mapanlinlang. Ang kakayahan nitong makapgdulot ng ginhawa sa aking dumadaing na kaluluwa ay wala pa ring kupas.

Kumurap ako. Tumitig sa kanya. Ngumiti. Hindi na. Salamat. Lakad. Lakad lang. Lakad pa rin.

Nakayuko ako. Pilit inaaliw ang sarili sa panonood sa aming magkatabing mga paa. Mararahan at mabibilis na hakbang. Mga hakbang na hindi magawang magkasabay sa kahit anong paraan. Mga pang wala naman talagang pinatutunguhan.

Lagi na lamang bang ganito?

Pabalik-balik sa parehong mga lugar na parati kong itinatanong sa sarili ko kung may halaga rin ba sa kanya. Mga lugar na nagpapaalala sa akin sa mga pangyayaring tulag ng paikot na daan, pawing paulit-ulit lamang. Mga kalsadang gasgas, mga daang sugatan. Tulad din ng aming mga alaala, dinadaanan lamang ng mga mapupusok na paa at sa huli’y maiiwanan lang din naman ng mga lubak na siyang nagsisilbing bakas ng mapait na karanasan.

Nginitian ko siya.

Ngiting mapagkunwari. Ngiting natatanging daan upang maikubli ang nangingilid kong luha. Pilit itinatago ang mga emosyong nais ng kumawala. At sa halip na umiyak…

Aray!

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ba hindi ko pa rin magawang masanay sa palagiang pagpuslit ng alikabok sa aking mga mata. Sa kabila ng mahabang panahon ng aking pakikisalamuha sa kanya ay hindi ko pa rin siya magawang harapin o iwasan. Dumadating siya kung kalian niya nanaisin, sasamantalahin ang mga sandaling ako ay Malaya at walang bahid ng pangamba at sa huli ay iiwan lamang din pala ako ng iilang patak ng luhang ako lamang at siya ang nakakakita.

Nanatiling nakayuko. Minasdan ko ulit ang mga paa. Sinuri kong muli ang mga alikabok.

Ang dalawang pang matigas at ang alikabok na makasarili… Ang dalawang pang pagod na at ang mga matang patuloy na pinagsasamantalahan ng alikabok… Heto at pabalik-balik pa rin sa kalsadang noon pa ma’y pinamamanhid na ng kasinungalingan.

oo, keso nanaman siya. wala lang. actually, pinasa ko yan sa humanities 1 class ko last year.

on wedding bells. endless chase. infantile perversion and finish lines.

A female friend is getting married this Oct. 8. I wonder what came to her mind, perhaps she’s pregnant (a prejudice I’ve got to those women who marry at a very early age). Unfortunately, she gives me this terrible feeling I usually feel when a person of my age does something “extreme” (for me) like committing suicide, getting pregnant or much “worse” getting married. Yeah, she’s very much my age. She’s 18. Young. Hopeful. Ambitious. Promising. Beautiful. Then in just a few days, she’ll be entering a major transformation in her life. I just couldn’t imagine myself being in her shoes. Perhaps if I had been her, I’ll just runaway and become a nomad than marry this early. Anyway, I still do wish them all the best. Gawd help her.

I can see your smile. Yeah, he’s right you are pretty. With those eyes that reminds me of the past. You remind me of him. You remind me of “us” – the way we were - the unfinished but unforgettable “us”. I envy you so much I love you. Is this how the infantile perversion which Freud is talking about really feels? Well, it’s not so bad.

You see, I’m chasing that 12 o’clock ride. I am chasing the sunrise, the sunset. I’m chasing the day before it’s over and before it begins. I am always chasing things. Always chasing deadlines, always chasing finish lines. Always chasing people. Always chasing changes. Always chasing the past, the future, even the present. Always chasing myself. I just wonder if somebody does the same thing.

Hold on tight, stellar. I can finally see the finish line. Just hold on.