pasawsaw sandali.

Me: Ma, may Christmas countdown ako. Mama: Oh baket excited ka sa pasko? Me: Hindi ako excited. Ginagawa ko nga yun para ma-excite ako eh. Mama: Si papa mo tumawag. Me: Ano’ng sabi? Mama: May snow na daw dun. Ang kulit-kulit nga eh parang bata. Nasa loob pa siya ng banyo nung tumawag siya kasi daw tulog pa yung mga kasama niya sa bahay eh magigising yun pag nagsalita siya. Tuwang-tuwa nga eh kase may snow na. Sabi nga niya sana raw nandun tayo para nakita naten. Me: Ahh…

Sabay talukbong ng kumot at diretso sa pagtulog.

Mga anim na taon na ang nakakalipas, ganito rin noon. December na, malapit ng magpasko. Excited ang lahat sa klase kase magki-christmas party. Lahat abala sa pagpaplano ng party. Pagkatapos magbunutan para sa monito-monita, kanya-kanyang chismisan at tanungan sa kung sino ang nabunot ni sino sabay sabing “promise hindi ko sasabihin sa iba”. Kaso syempre bago pa man din dumating ang mismong araw ng christmas party eh alam na ng buong klase kung sino ang mga nabunot at nakabunot sa kanila.

Mga anim na taon na rin ang nakakalipas ng una akong makatanggap ng regalo mula sa isang manliligaw (kuno. Whatever). Tanghali noon sa may annex building ng school namen. Nakaupo ako sa sahig kase nawiwindang ako ng biglang may nag-abot sa akin ng isang bagay na nakabalot sa kulay berdeng papel na may mga lasong pula, Christmas gift pala. Nagulat ako syempre at wala na akong nagawa kung hindi ang ngumiti sa kanya. Muntik na kong mapipe at mabuti na lang nagkaroon pa ko ng lakas na makapag-thank you. Sa totoo lang, muntik ko pa ngang tanggihan yung regalo niya pero…pag ginawa ko yun para ko na ring sinabing ayoko sa kanya. Kaya tinanggap ko,

Mga anim na taon na rin ang nakakalipas ng mag-celebrate kami ng pasko sa bahay lang. kaming anim: si papa, si mama, ang dalawa kong utol na si pao at jhun2 (na dede talaga ang tawag ko sa kanya), ang aso naming si Ian (o si mojacko, o si chubby. Nakalimutan ko na kasi ang dami2 nila) at ako. Konti lang naman ang handa naming nun: barbecue, black forest cake, spaghetti, graham cake, menudo at mga kung anu-anong prutas. Wala rin namang masyadong kakaiba sa gabing nag-Noche Buena kami, naonood lang kami ng fireworks na galing sa isang subdivisiong maraming nakatirang mayayaman. Kumain lang, nagpatugtog at nagkwentuhan at nagtawanan. Wala naman talagang kakaiba dun pero ewan ko ba, hanggang sa ngayon hinahanap-hanap ko pa rin yung mga sandaling iyon. Iyon pa rin ang pinakamsayang paskong naaalala ko. Sa totoo lang, yun lang ang paskong narmadaman kong pasko nga talaga.

Medyo nakakapansin na ko ha. Parami na ng parami ang namimihasang humawak ng buhok ko. Nung una, si Em. Nag-uusap lang kami non ng bigla kong naramdamang kinakalikot na niya yung buhok ko. Pangalawa, si Carshz, ganun din. Nung nagkita kami sa daan minsan, habang nag-uusap kami bugla niyang kinali-kalikot yung buhok ko. Pangatlo (kanina lang), si Patty, imbis na kalabitin niya ko para makuha yung atensyon ko, hinawi niya yung buhok ko sa balikat.

Hmmm..dalawang bagay lang yan, pwedeng magulo ang buhok ko o kaya naman eh masarap hawakan at kalikutin kasi kulot. Alin naman kaya dun noh? Haller.

Shocks. Ganito pala ang feeling ng magkagusto sa isang lalakeng may asawa na. Ang weird. Time has no meaning, my love will never change. Syet stop it.

Jam-packed na talaga ko sa sabado. Una, may mini Olympics kami sa org (sa UP CAST) tapos kanina lang eh may nangharang samen ni Carshz na pogi sa may main lib walk at bigla kaming inin-vite sa orientation ng UP Red Cross Youth sa sabado rin. Tapos manonood pa ko ng Pagdadalaga ni Maxi kase required kame. !0-1:52 (hehe) yung Olympics tapos 9-12 yung orientation. Manonood din ako ng Harry Potter kase niyaya ako ni Pedro. Eh libre so why not dava?

argghh.. ang dami ko pa namang naka-sked na gagawin...

Time can only tell. (yak baduy)

Pag may naiwan ka sa nakaraan, tapos hindi mabura-bura, napapnaginipan mo pa, napapraning ka na. . . intay ka pa ng mga ilang taon at malalaman mo rin kung ano ba talaga ang kahahantungan.

Tulad ng ginagawa ko. Limang taon na kong naghihintay. Kaya ko pa.

heaven knows - everything 'cause this angel has flown away from me... leaving me in drunken misery... How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this? yihee!!! may account na ko sa PEYUPS !!!

just crucify me or what?

I feel so bitchy today.

This morning when I woke up, I couldn’t pull off my self to get going and start my day. First, I had a very odd dream which amazed me and frightened me at the same time. I guess it was caused by my lack of sleep due to the debut party that I attended the other night. I felt – and still feel – restless. I want to drink more beer. I want to get groggy all day (and night). I want to goof around, just sing my lungs out and be pathetically senseless as long as I want to. I actually don’t have any problems at the moment but I sort of just want to be visible and invisible at the same time. I want to feel and not to feel. I want to know and not to know. I want to cry and laugh. I want to stay awake and sleep. I want to forget and remember. All at the same time.

Agh. I do not understand myself. I miss my friends – my barkada. I miss my buddy Dadang. I miss her! I miss her! Oh God I miss her! Also, I’m freaking obsessed and bothered by my film subjects. I’ve got to think of a concept for my first ever film production in my Film 112 class. I have to create a good and innovative script for my screenplay writing class. I have to gather all my public speaking and whatever communication skills for my communication theories class. I have to chase my former professor in Malikhaing Pagsulat for my unfinished grade (which means I have to be restless for as long as I can. I also have to postpone hating him). I feel like being pushed really hard into things that I am not ready for. The world of film and mass communication is so getting into my nerves, eating me up and all I can do is to keep going when all I really want to say and do is to STOP. I am doing my best to excel and to keep up with everybody but still I feel like being left behind. God, I do not even know how to edit a video, I do not know how to transfer the video from the cam to the computer, I don’t know what software to use, I don’t know how to insert sounds to accompany the images, I don’t even know how to use photoshop! Imagine that?!!! Paksyet! And now when people ask me what course I am taking up, of course I keep on saying that “Ha? Ako? Film”. Putang-ina yan. People are amazed when I tell them I study in UP Diliman taking up BA Film and Audiovisual Communication when in reality I cannot even enumerate the top films of all time. Alam mo yon? Actually, it’s one of the things that bother me so much. I mean, the idea that I study in UP DIliman. Putang-ina I hate it. In the first place, I didn’t even plan to study there. Swear. Yeah, of course I took the UPCAT but I just did it just for the heck of doing it. I just didn’t want to frustrate my parents. Also, of course I wanted to help them with regards to the financing – alam nyo na di hamak na mas mura naman sa UP. But that was all. Pero yun na nga, I passed. I passed and now I’m here, still in agony for being a UP student. UP teaches you arrogance – intended or misplaced. But of course, I like being in UP not just for the education but also because it’s there that I met some of the greatest people I could have known in this lifetime. Kaya lang paksyet kase. Alam mo yun as much as possible ayoko ng nalalaman ng kung sino (lalo na yung mga bagong kakilala out of UP) kung san ako nag-aaral. Masyado kasing nadidikit yung buo mong pagkatao sa kung san ka nag-aaral eh. Nakakabad trip lang yun. Sobra. Basta putang-ina yung ganon. Hell. I’m so jam packed with all sorts of stuffs! I want to really cry so badly now. I don’t know why, but I feel like being so weak to even think about all the things that I have to think.

I have lots of things to do and deadlines keep on chasing me painfully. Sadly, I cannot even find a pinch of inspiration to keep me going steady. Mahn, I need something to keep my fire burning!

What makes me feel worse is that I cannot point out where the problem comes from. I just have this feeling of wanting to be independent and dependent at the same time. I want to do things and decide just for myself – although a lot of people would consider it as pure selfishness. So far, I am not enjoying my current state, my present life. I’ve lots of things that I want to do but I cannot. I just can’t. How am I supposed to do them when I am just a kid?

Look, I want to take a leave of absence in school. 1 year would be the longest. I want to work and earn money for myself, for my thesis in the future. I want to do things alone. I want to cook my own meal, wash my own clothes, clean, paint and decorate my own room, shop my own clothes, buy my own cds, go to wherever I want to go, watch movies or maybe play bowling (though I do not know how). I just want to sail away for a while. Not to leave forever but to at least just have some space for myself for some time. Like what I told Dadang, I just want to live the real life (whatever that means). It’s just that I feel being crushed I want to puke just to stay alive. I want to just break away (or breakdown). I cannot really feel any longer. I feel phony. Hungry. Tired. Pathetic. I even feel not so human.

The thought of taking a leave for a year makes me excited but scared at the same time. What if I can’t make it? What if something happens which will hinder me from finishing my studies? What if I already reached my maximum residency in our college which means that if I do not graduate immediately they will automatically kick me out? What if I can’t find I decent job because I’m just an undergraduate? What if my parents hate me for doing such things? What if I lose all the way? What if I cannot reach my goals anymore? Where will I find myself years from now? Years after I decided to take that leave? I want to take that huge risk but I am also afraid. I’m not just afraid for my own failure but also afraid of disappointing my parents. My success is also their success and I know that having a college graduate child would be one of their greatest achievements in life. For sure I wouldn’t be able to bear with the hard feeling of disappointing them. After all these years. After all their sacrifices for us – for me. But still, a part of my mind tells me to take the risk. My bitchy self is saying to just go and ignore what others may feel or say because after all it’s only me who will know what’s right for my self. Even my parents cannot tell what my heart desires.

Aaahhh…I’m so fucked up. I feel so empty and powerless for I cannot decide for myself!!! I can’t because I am just a kid!!! And kids don’t know what’s right. Kids don’t know how difficult life is. Kids can’t make sound decisions. Kids aren’t sure of themselves. And kids are just kids!!! Period.

I hate this feeling. How I wish I were born with all the things I need to be immune with all the harshness and uncertainties of life. How I wish I have someone to talk to about just anything. I wish I have someone to listen and someone who will maybe help me organize my thoughts. Someone who will not judge me. Someone who will give me the advice I need only when I ask for it. Someone who will just believe in me. Most of all, someone who will find it easier to know that I am going through real tough times. (like hello? Mukha ba kong OK?)

I want an ate. Or a kuya. A teacher. A best friend. Or a wise stranger.

I’ve always been the ate, the listener, the adviser, the crying shoulder, the bullet proof. I’ve always been the invincible-miss-all-knowing. I’ve always been the ultimate cheerleader. I always knew what to do and how to do it (ask my friends and you’ll find out that all I’m saying is true – to their eyes). I always impress people with whatever decision-making skills that I’ve got. I’m always on the go. Always positive. Always bubbly. Always palaban.

But people, please look at me now. I am no super hero. I’ve got no more guts to help you out with whatever you’re up to. I also sometimes live in misery. I also feel pain. I also drown in depression. I also fail. I am no omnipotent. I need someone. I need you, my friends. Agh. I just hope somebody will hear and realize my plea.

I feel like bursting.

obviously, isa siyang nobela.

Ganito ako kapuyat. Ganyan. Ayan ang tamang illustration sa kahitsurahan ko.

Paanong hinde eh galing akong debut kagabi. Debut ni super Orang este Strawberry pala. Sa Max Binan ginawa mga 7 pm yung (supposed to be) start niya. Ayos naman kaso medyo hindi organized ang utak ko at pagkatao kagabi. Mga 6 pm na yun at hindi ko pa alam ang isusuot ko. Kinukulit ko pa rin si mama tungkol dun sa oblong na bilog niyang hikaw na gusto ko sanang suutin. Tsaka kung anong isusuot kong sapatos. Tsaka kung pwede ko bang ipanregalo yung scrapbook ek-ek dito sa bahay at kung may gift wrapper pa ba kame. Yun tuloy and ending eh wala na lang akong regalo. Kadirs talaga ko! Eh kase ang totoo medyo nawindang din ako dahil nung Friday ko lang nalaman yung buong detalye ng debut kaya hindi ako prepared talaga. Sobrang biglaan siguro kaya kahit invitation eh wala ako though kasama ako sa 18 candles.

Nagmeet kami ng super best bud ko na si Dadang sa Mcdo (malapit lang pala sa Max) kasi hindi naming alam pareho yung papunta nga dun sa venue. Galing pa siyang seminar sa Calamba. Mga chenelyn ever lang dahil nga nursing ang course niya. So ayon haggard pa siya sa byahe. Kumain muna kami sandali. Actually, napilitan lang akong umorder ng sundae para makatambay ako sa loob ng Mcdo. Siya kumain ng Burger kase halatang tomguts siya. Umalis na rin kami pag dating ng iba pa naming friendships – si Amie, Kat at Mark. Nilakad lang namin papuntang Max at medyo naligaw kame. Hallur? Yun pala ang lapit lang. Nagpagewang-gewang pa kame ng daan. Feel lang siguro naming (o ako lang ang may gusto?) magsagala with all the dress and chorvas. Hehe.

Pag dating namin dun, andami ng ka-pipol-an. Kaso medyo nahaggard naman ako dahil feeling ko ako lang talaga ang nakatotoong semi-formal. Wala lang. OP. Buti na lang nagbihis na si Budz ng semi-formal. May kasama na ko. Yehey. Tapos yun konting chorva muna hanggang sa dumating na ang celebrant. Mataray ang lola dahil mag-aalas-otso na po siya dumating. Pero in fairness isang dyosa ang lola mo! With the balloon-like hair with matching korona effect at mga bato-bato sa kanyang coral fink na gown! Perfect! At with the escort na kanyang childhood “bestfriend” (hello? Bestfriend?) daw na si Jet na isa ring fahfah.

Konting kodakan lang tapos chumibog na kame. At totoong wala pa rin kaming pinagbago, mga halimaw pa rin kame pag dating sa pagkain. Lalo pa mga barako kasama ko. Walang tira, ubos lahat! Kaso konti lang nakain ko kase wala akong gana. Chicken lang tsaka lumpia kinain ko kase ayoko nung hipon. Allergic ako. Tsaka ang lamig-lamig kaya nawalan ako ng gana kumain.

After nun 18 roses na. Syempre alam nyo na yun. The usual 18 roses kaso medyo kadirs din kase happy birthday yung tugtog. Parang hello? Ang kinder-ish naman yata? Tsaka hallur? Yung mga nakipagsayaw eh hindi man lang nagsuot ng totoong semi-formal. Mga 2 lang yata yung nakaporma talaga maliban dun sa tatay. As in kaasar lang dahil sabi semi-formal tapos ganon. Ang bonggatious pa naman ni Straw tapos ganun ang mga kahitsurahan nila. At least ako kahit hindi prepared na-keri ko pa ring mag-costume ng naaayon sa patakaran (bow). Wala lang, haller lang naman sa kanila.

Tapos syempre nun eh 18 candles. So the usual din. Nung ako na syempre gumawa nanaman ako ng eksena noh. Una, mali nanaman ang bigkas sa pangalan ko (lagi naman eh). Nag-explain pa ko na ganito po yun basahin: dey-nah (with the H talaga ha). Pangalawa, naguluhan naman ako dun sa picture taking habang sinasabi mo yung message mo sa celebrant. Naguluhan ako kung po-pose ba ko o hinde. Pangatlo, muntik na kong magpa-cry effect habang nagsspeech ako. Buti na lang na-keri kong pigilin kundi…hello naman saken noh gumagawa ako ng moment ko.

Tapos 18 gifts naman. Hang ginagawa yun wala lang kame, chumichibog pa rin. Sinisimot ung mga natira. Hehe. tapos nag-iinuman na lang. Hanggang sa mag-disco nah. Kamusta naman yun noh mga walo lang yata kaming nagsasayaw dun at nagmistulang interemission number ang ginawa namin. Masaya sana. Actually masaya naman kaya lang sana naging mas masaya kung walang KJ. Feel na feel ko pa namang mag-party-all-night. Feel na feel ko lalong magdisco. As in nitong mga nakaraang araw ko pa gusting sumayaw. Alam mo yon. Namiss ko tuloy bigla si Michael. Kung nandun yun hataw together kame. Ewan ko basta gusto ko lang sumayaw talaga ng sumayaw. Gusto ko na ngang pagyayayain yung mga tao dun na makipagsayaw saken eh kaso nawalan din ako ng gana. Uminom na lang tuloy ako ng uminom habang sumasayaw yung mga daliri ko sa paa. Ayun tuloy medyo tinamaan ako. Syet ang pula-pula ko grabe. As in first time kong malasing ng ganun. Haaayyy..bakit pag si peter ang ka-jamming ko hindi ako tinatablan?!!! Kung sabagay madali talaga kong malalasing kase inistraight kong inumin yung beer sa isang dangkal na baso eh.mga 3 bote. Wala pang yelo. Wala ring kwentuhan. Kaya ayon.

Tapos nung sobrang kumokorni na ang atmosphere at nagmimistulang wallpaper na kaming lahat, nagdecide na kaming umuwi. Hinatid kame ng escort ni Straw na si fahfah Jet sa may boundary kung san kami sumakay ng tricykol pauwi sa mga bahay2 namen. Si budz ko samen natulog kase wala ng sakayan papunta sa kanila. Sa bundok kase yon. Hikhikhik. Kasabay namin si Jet (ibang Jet naman to) pauwi at nilibre niya kame ng pamasahe. Ayos.

Pag dating sa bahay, medyo nag-ayos2 lang kame ng katawan at kahitsurahan tapos nahiga na kame ni budz. Dun siya sa sahig natulog sa kutson ng utol ko at ako naman sa kama ko. Dun kame sa kwarto ko syempre. Hindi kame natulog agad syempre at nagkuwentuhan lang. Medyo emotional nga ang usapan namin eh at in fact, naiyak ako (nag-eemot nanaman). Pero alam mo yon, sobrang saya lang. First time nga niyang mag-overnight samen eh at first time naming mag-spend ng time together (yak pa-cono kuno).

For sure nakatulog siya pero ako hinde. hindi talaga. Nakapikit lang ako sa loob ng 3 hours. Mga past six nung nagising siya at umuwi na rin agad. Ako naman naligo lang tapos nag-Milo at eto nagkokompyutere na. Wala akong balak matulog kase wala lang. bukod sa marami pa kong gagawin eh hindi naman talaga ko inaantok kahit puyat na puyat ako. Ewan ko pero ganito talaga ko eh tuwing puyat. Kahit puyat ako hindi pa rin ako natutulog sa umaga. Kaso may kaproblema-han ako dahil ang sakit ng mga braso ko. Hallur parang may arthritis ako. Siguro dahil lang sa sobrang lamig kagabi sa loob ng Max’s.

Si cha-cha nagtatampo saken kase hindi ko siya nabati nung birthday niya. Hu-hu. Hindi ko naman nakalimutang birthday niya eh at actually mga ilang months pa lang eh binabati ko na siya. kaso hindi ko lang talaga siya nabati nung mismong araw. Alam ko ang bad ko at ang lame ng paliwanag ko pero yun. Sorry lang talaga cha. Super sorry. Hay nako, nababalutan ako ng breaking-up atmosphere. Ang daming nagbe-break these days or kung hindi naman ang dami kong nababalitaang matagal na palang break pero ngayon ko lang nalaman (kinapos sa eavesdropping skills?). wala lang, medyo sad lang. Hay nakech! Ang ganda-ganda ng mga kanta ng orange and lemons! Huwaaaw! Naiinlab na ko sakanya (yung kumakanta) kase ang uber ganda ng boses niya! Ang lamig-lamig sa tenga tsaka hindi cliché-ish yung dating. At least siya walang kaboses (or kung mereon man hindi marame) di tulad nung iba diyan (The Calling, Spongecola, Creed, Lifehouse and the like).

Yeyness! May Christmas tree na kame tsaka red na parol! Woohoo finally naïf-feel ko na ang Christmas (medyo lang)!!! Hindi lang yun, nakasabit na yung mga medyas namen para lagyan ng gifts ni Santa Claus! (though natukalasan ko ng hindi pala siya totoo. Pero gusto ko pa rin siyang gawing totoo kaya ayon) Yahooooo!

quite sunny

I had a great great day today. First, I participated in the annual film workshop of UP Cinema Arts Society (UP CAST) this morning. It was actually supposed to be a whole day activity but I just went there for the morning session since I intended to do a lot of acad things this afternoon. Thank God I was able to pull off every part of my spirit to get off my bed this morning just to attend that (mind you, I again became abusive of myself last night. In short - puyat ako. puyat na puyat). Also, thank God for letting me forget to return Em's photocopied readings for Film 104 yesterday for if not, I don't think I would be able to find an immensely rational reason to go there at all (because the truth is, I wasn't really planning to attend it and I only made the effort so that I could return Em's readings). We started the day with a game at syempre isa yung charade (tenen!!!). Wala lang favorite. hehe. Local and Foreign films ang tema ng charade at hello, I was the first one to be picked out as The Actress (yeah!) kaso sad because my groupmates didn't get it. Na-steal ng kabilang group. And this was the title - Kapag ang palay naging bigas, may bumayo! - O san ka pa? But fortunately, we got the second, the third and the last one. And again, I was The last Actress. Medyo na-haggard ako - hindi. nahaggard pala ko talaga - because the title was Pedro Penduko the Return of the Comeback (haller?!). Yung comeback nga lang ang na-reenact ko eh. Pero wag ka, (eto ang punch line ko) na-gets yun ng groupmate ko. (at eto na talaga ang final of the final punchlines) Si Crush Ko ang nakahula . (at oo innulit ko groupmate ko siya!!!) The other titles were Kabayo Kid and Bala at Lipstick - and we got them both. And of course yes yes yo, we won!!! Then after that, the lectures about film stuffs followed. It started with scriptwriting then cinematography, production management (tapos wala na lunch break na at umuwi na ko so period na). But between those lectures, they asked us to do some activity as well. We made a group script by spilling out our ideas one by one and in the end making up an entire (not-so-well) structured story. They also asked us to create our own easy storyboard using a digicam. We created a story using the frames of shots - and of course we were the performers (or should I say, models since all of it were just photos?) At actually, masaya siya. At very memorable talaga. Biruin mo that would be the first film (kuno) we made as film students! wow! Tapos may free coke pa, free snacks at free-ng serbisyo ng mabait na tagapaypay na si Patty. May free hand-outs pa na gawa ni sweetlittlebitch (kung sino siya sa kanila eh hindi ko na alam). Gawd was the entire activity fun. I never imagined (and felt-before) that they (the CAST-pers) would be that fun and nice! and they are all - really nice and I love them! (esp. mention kila ate prech, joma, bikoy, c-an, deo, con - and all those I interact with the most) I didn't know that before and I was too afraid and intimated to spend time in our tembayan because I thought that they didn't like me, and that they didn't give a damn if I pass all the initiations and stuffs just so I could join their org or not. But I was so wrong. All of them are really kind, smart, fun, talented and beautiful people (naks). Also, I dearly love all of my batchmates. Ansaya-saya lang talaga. I'm just so grateful for attending that workshop talaga and I can't wait to be an authentic member!!! (1 month to go!) At least after this, matutupad na ang dream namin nila Peter at Em na may masalihang course-related org. Next target naman namin ay mag-join sa Haribon tapos sa UP Sikat then sa Philippine Collegian (taray!). Pero who knows? I might still join Alay Sining, Em might still join Samaskom or any Sorority (pangarap niya yun eh) and Peter might still join UP Broad Ass. Ang dami-dami lang naming plans for our org life kaya sana matupad *crosses fingers*. Para naman lumago na ang social life namen at (ika nga ni Peter) pati dumami na ang mailagay namin sa resume namin in the future. hehe. Ayos! Second, I finally finished reading Crafting Fiction - a self-help book about of course writing Fiction and I just love everything that the author, Richard Cohen said. Tumagos saken lahat. Felt like I was the person he is talking about. All of his descriptions of a writer somehow fit me. Yes, I see myself as a writer (not just a film maker, an animator or what not) and I own the title whole-heartedly. Tama nga si Mam Libay, if you think you're good on something go ka lang. Wala ng marami pang disclaimer such as - mahilig akong magsulat pero hindi ako magaling (yan yung eksakto kong sinabi sa scriptwriting class ko sa kanya). Nakikinig ang universe pag sinasabi mo yun at in turn nagkakatotoo so better avoid doing that. You should embrace it if it's what you desire. You should take it as your own. And so I am taking writing as my own - I am a writer and nobody's telling me that I am or that I am not. Just myself. Because I together with all those who by heart believe that they are writers believe that: "A writer is someone for whom writing and living means the same thing." - Richard Cohen

eavesdropping effect.

how can you possibly fall for someone you don't really know? yung babae kasi kanina nagtatampisaw na sa romansa eh wala pa nga. anyway kebs ba niya...

flap-flap.

Times like this really drive me overly insane. There are lots of things to think about. So many issues that bother me. Looking back on my recent posts, I can see how cerebral I’ve become. How monstrously cerebral I’ve become. I’ve been thinking too much, been analyzing too many things, reflecting on my life too often. I guess I’ve already tried hard enough to rearrange my life; to rearrange my spirit and my direction. I’ve somehow given up my bloody poetry, I painted my blog white, I used black (boring) font, I used English as much as possible (to have a pseudo-distance between me and my readers) and I made my blog a very circus-like-colorful one.

I refrained from flooding my entries with so much emotion. I tried so hard to be rational because in real life, I am really emotional. In fact, I am too emotional. And this poor blog is my escape. My safe place. A least here I can pause for a while, look at things in a wider range, weigh things carefully and try to find meaning and solutions to almost anything and everything in my life. At least here, I can find the comfort that I long for from the outside. At least here, I can be every person and everything that I need. I can still be complete with just myself. I can make or break myself anytime and in any way that I want to.

But the thing is I couldn’t stand it any longer.

I feel so sick every time I reread my fuckin’ feel-good posts. It’s because they are not me. I am not them and it makes me want to puke to think that I wrote them myself. I am not saying though that I was just lying after all. The thing here is that writing all of those (you know na) didn’t make me feel even an inch better. It’s obvious that my purpose is to rearrange my spirit – from a sulky pessimistic being to a bubbly optimistic one – but sadly, it seems that no matter how hard I try I still can’t do it. I just can’t.

Much worse (but I am expecting positive results from doing this though), I am starting to read books on how to understand myself. The way I become monstrously different at different times and at different instances.

I really want to get out. Get out and be totally free.

horror kwento.

bukas uulan ng daga. maraming-marami. magtatakbuhan sila. papaikot sa kinatatayuan mo. patalon-talon sa mga paa mo. pasabit-sabit sa damit mo. titili ka ng titili hanggang sa mapaos ka. hanggang sa mahilo ka. hanggang sa wala ka ng maramdaman. sabihin na nating hindi ako naging successful bilang isang cartoon star. nilangaw ang shows ko. nalugi nang nalugi. ang masama pa non, mismong ako ang ayaw tumangkilik sa sarili kong gawa. nasusuka kasi ako. nagpupumilit akong kumawala sa kulungan ko eh samantalang itinataboy naman ako sa tinatakbuhan ko. hindi raw kasi ako bagay dun. ah, at kaya naman pala dumudugo na naman ang mga daliri ko. totoo nga. dahil dito natatakot ako. sobrang natatakot ako. natatakot na 'kong managinip pati magising. natatakot akong malaman na hindi ko na kayang sabihin ang kaibahan ng dalawa.

nababalatan.

hindi masakit pero dumudugo. hindi mabilis pero nakakahilo. mag-iisang linggo na rin kaming nagde-date sa layb. pero magkahiwalay kami ng mesa. minsan magkaharap. minsan magkatalikod. pero magkalapit. mga dalawang dipa. mag-dadalawang linggo na rin kaming naghahabulan. kaso hindi naman namin sinasadya. mag-iisang buwan na rin kaming nagtatawanan. nagkukuwentuhan. pero hindi nagkakarinigan. hindi nagkakaintindihan. kung bakit ba kasi hindi kita tinignan man lang nung kinausap mo ko sa layb. sa unang pagkakataon. zombie ganyan ang pakiramdam ko. maayos naman ang lahat. masaya naman. pero bakit wala akong maramdamang kahit ano? kahit sakit. o pait. lahat ng bagay ay may kapalit tama nga.

oooh..lala.

wala lang. mike messaged me earlier in friendster. miss na daw niya ko. my roommate in LB din, Joan said she misses me. ayan nilagay ko tuloy ang pic na itech. i'm doing good actually with my friends in school but i'm missing them so much,too ...pero...di bale the christmas break is coming na. so..yeyness!!! mike matutuloy ang christmas party naten! keri yun! note: sorry naman kung malabo ang pic. nangarag lang. hehe.

blessings

My brother broods over his army of pimples sprouting out again. He always bugs mom to let him see a dermatologist for he’s already so sick of seeing his face every time he looks at the mirror. Well, that’s too bad for him since he’s like this person who not just looks at himself in the mirror but stares at himself really closely for several minutes. You know, doing this twists and turns, looking closely at his various angles. Just last night at dinner, he was worrying again for the same reason, “Ma, dumadami na naman yung pimples ko.” Feeling optimistic at the moment, I just told him “Ganun talaga. Kailangan yun (yung maraming pimples) para hindi ka maging masyadong gwapo.” Then my mom added, “Oo nga, ang vain – vain mo na nga eh kaya kailangan may imperfections ka din.” Then we giggled together. Well, my brother just kept quiet and went on with his meal. I don’t know if he’s satisfied with our assertion or if he thought we were so damn silly he’d rather keep quiet than argue with us.

But the truth is, I’ve always believed in what I just said to my sib. I mean, we can consider those things and persons that we have in our lives as blessings but haven’t we thought about it that it’s also a blessing not to have the things and the people that we already do not have? Absence – and not just presence – should also be considered as a blessing. Just look at this, we would also not be who we are right now at this very moment if not for the absence of such various things and persons. We always calculate what we lack although we’re already thankful for what we have. But I don’t think we usually thank God – or whoever, whatever – for the things that we do not have. We always consider those lacking as our imperfections and misfortune – but never as blessings.

If my brother wasn’t born having the genes of my father which causes him to have that army of pimples, I don’t think he would be the same person as he is now. Perhaps, he would be very vain – and gorgeous – so vain that he would have more cosmetic stuffs than me and my mom would have, so gorgeous that lots of girls – and gays - will go crazy over him. His life would be different. The way others see him and relate to him would be different. The way he sees himself would be different. He would be different. The same as what my friend and I used to talk about. Both of us think that if he isn’t gay, then maybe we would not become friends at all. He would be a far different person having a far different life. Perhaps he would be a macho papa now, having lots of women (ganun siya ka gwapo). He would probably even have become a father by the age of fifteen. Perhaps he would not be able to take up advertising. Perhaps his life would be in hell.

Of course, I also have the same sentiments. I must admit, I have lots of insecurities and I usually tend to compare myself with others. Sometimes I dream of being a different person, having a different face – my ideal face, I dream of having a different personality, possessing the qualities that I am so dying to have, being in another place, in another time. Sometimes I even feel like I would want to die than live in the same body and soul, living in the same place and reality. I am always thankful though for what I have and who I have in my life but still I can’t stop craving for more. However, this is what I get every time I do that – a slap on the face. Haller magising ka nga sa kabaliwan mo at tignan mo at mag-isip kang mabuti. If I would have the face and the qualities that I want, of course that would mean being born in a different family, having totally different parents. If I would be born in a different place and time, again of course that would mean I would have a far different way of thinking and doing things. Most probably, I would also not get the chance to meet and be with my loved ones. Perhaps I would have a different humor, a different outlook in life, a different frame of mind. I would be a totally different person. And I’m not sure I’m going to like it because so far I am already loving myself and my life and I would not want to change anything just for some selfish and petty reasons. I guess we humans really have this tendency to aspire for whatever that we do not have, thinking that we would be happier if only we will have those things. We feel we’re still incomplete and we keep on searching and aiming for the things – and the persons- that we think would complete us. Because of that we are never really happy. We are never fully satisfied and grateful just for being ourselves and just for being with the persons that we already have.

But when we finally get what we want do we really become happier? Do we really become complete? Maybe not, maybe yes. But whatever the answer may be, I think we’ll still be pretty fine even without gaining such endless wishes. We only desire non-stop because we continue to sort of fill that empty space in ourselves, in our lives. We are never satisfied with just ourselves and what life had already offered us. We think there’s always something – someone – that’s missing.

The only thing is, I think we should just be equally thankful and grateful for what we have and for what we do not. Besides, most probably we would all be in big trouble – and not in huge bliss - if we always get what we want.

Don’t you think so?

reality check.

Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba kong matuwa. Si Mam Libay kase – yung prof ko sa Film 112 at 121 which means The Language and Grammar of Film at Scriptwriting. Bow. – tinanong kame isa-isa sa klase kung anong balak naming gawin after naming makagraduate. Nakakaloka kaya yun lalo na para sa tulad ko. Haller panong hinde eh hindi ko pa nga sure kung makakagraduate ba ko (nako) at kung hanggang kelan pa ba ko bubuhayin ni Lord. I mean, hindi ko pa talaga planado kung saan ako magtatrabaho at kung ano ako in the future. Hindi ko ma-carry. Hindi ko pa talaga ma-imagine ang sarili ko. Pero sinabi ko na lang na gusto kong maging animator. Ashus. Instant dream ng lola mo. Gusto ko lang naman kasi talagang mag-drawing, mag-design at magsulat eh. Yun lang. Kaya siguro pwede akong animator. Tamang-tama pangarap ko namang maging cartoon at isa pa mukha naman talaga akong cartoon. Wala lang naloka lang ako kase parang hindi katanggap-tanggap kapag sinabi mong “I don’t know pa po eh kung ano ko in the future.” Pero in fairness ha meron ding mangilan-ngilan na ganon yung sagot. Na ganon yung nararamdaman – parang ako. Thankfulness nga naman oh.

Oo, isa na itong sumpa talaga. Isang sumpa saken dahil ako ay isang babae. Imagine, mag-iisang buwan na kong may muscle cramps dahil lang sa pesteng regla na ‘to. At ngayon naman ang sakeeeet ng puson ko pati balakang ko likod ko hita ko paa ko at lahat na dahil pa rin don. Hindi na ko nasanay eh pitong taon mahigit ko ng dinaranas to. Feeling ko tuloy sa tuwing nagkakaganito ko wala ng iba pang sakit ang di ko kakayanin. Swear. Ganong kahirap.

Ano itu? May kung ano daw na nangayayri sa mga Engineering students? Ha? Yung jowa ng friend ko nakikipag break na sa kanya dahil . . . wala lang. Sabi ng friend ko, minsan daw ang kulit – kulit. Gusto siyang makausap. Minsan naman naiinis sa kanya at ayaw siyang makita man lang. Sabi naman ng mga kaibigan ng jowa niya eh sobrang ngarag daw sa pag-aaral talaga. Tadtad ng projects, exams, evornights choochoos. Baka daw talagang nasstress lang. Tuloy tong friend ko naloloka na. Mag-ne-nervous breakdown na nga daw siya dahil sa ginagawa ng jowa niya. At eto ang mas malala, gusto nyang imestigahan naming kung anon a ba talaga ang nangyayari sa jowa niya. As in iimbestigahan naming. Waaaa. Natuluyan na talaga. Anyway, go naman ako dun kung gusto niya talaga. Dakilang sidekick! Naalala ko rin tuloy yung super classmate ko na shiftee din from Engineering. Nakupo. Napa-weird niya. As in. para siyang may sariling mundo. Tapos yung isa rin na kinuwento nung friend ko (ibang friend) na meron daw sa Eng. na ganun din ang nangyari. Na-trap na rin sa sarili niyang mundo matapos ang ilang years ng pamumuhay niya sa loob ng bahay Engineering.

Eto ang greatest shocker of the year ko. May bago akong crush sa Masscomm. As in sa College of Mass Communications galing. Sa college kung saan may scarcity ng mga authentic na kalalakihan. Isn’t it great?!!! Hallur? As in eto pa, kaklase ko siya sa 3 kong subject. So kamusta naman yun noh? Eh di happy ever after ako this sem. Hahaha! Ngayon lang kame nagtagpo ng landas dahil sabi niya sumali daw siya sa Singing Ambassadors kaya tumigil siya for a year. How great talaga! Kaso medyo coño. Medyo parang bading den. Pero hindi naman. Wag naman. Waaaa.

Ang saya saya saya saya saya saya ko! Baket? Kase may bago akong BAG! Hehe. Alam nyo kase adik ako sa bag kaya at the moment na napadaan ako sa SM eh instantly binili ko na tong bag na natipuhan ko. Buti na lang may dala kong pera. Kaso dahil dun kailangan ko tuloy pigilan ang katakawan ko at magtipid ng baon. Huhuhu. Anyway kebs pa rin ako basta in love ako sa bag ko. Hmp.

Magsisimula na yung creative writing workshop na isasagawa ng mga friends ko from LB na lumipat din sa DIliman. Interesado ako at niyayaya nga nila ko kaso parang hindi pa ko handing sumali sa isang writers’ pool. Parang gusto ko munang mag-explore at mag-aral magsulat ng mag-isa. Tsaka isa pa, short stories yung ginagawa nila eh hindi ako sanay sa ganon kaya nga ngayon nag-aaral akong mag-isa. Gusto ko talagang magsulat at alam kong importanteng sumali sa mga workshops pero hindi pa ko handa para dun. Tsaka na lang siguro.

Being nice is nice.

(Erik, oo ito ang epekto ng comment mo sa recent post ko.)

Why can’t smart-talented-pretty-and-all people can’t be just that nice at the same time? Why do some people intentionally intimidate others just to gain some respect? Or why do they do it anyway?

I just don’t get it why things have to be this cruel and tough for all of us – especially me. Yeah, I am nice. A lot of people say I’m nice and I also do believe that it’s true. Actually, it’s weird ‘cause while everyone else is trying to be nice as often as possible I am here, trying my best not to be nice - always. But please don’t get me wrong. All I am saying is that I just have a nature to be . . . nice. But of course, I am also good on being nasty you know (Ask my super close friends and they’ll tell you about it. hehe.).

It’s just that I do not understand why some people are so good on being arrogant and being ass holes. Classmates, upper classmen, professors, janitors, vendors, and lots of other people seem to be always struggling to make themselves look tough and too-hot-to-handle. Some even pretend to be some other demi-god when mingling with other people just to sort of blend with them and at the same time intimidate others while some will just simply snob you or let you feel that they don’t like you at all by talking to you (and treating you) insolently (without any justifiable reason). These people seem to do everything they can just to make you feel that they are above you and that you are not liked by people like them. They could be also nice though, but only to those they want to be nice to and only if they want something from you. I just hate it. Unfortunately, I am surrounded – and I know I’ll be more surrounded in the future – by lots and lots of people like that. They are everywhere. They sometimes come thisclose to me and this far from me. They could be my enemies yet they could also become my friends (yung tipong ang tingin ko sa kanila friends tapos sila pala saken hindi). Who knows? And I tell you, there are lots of them in UP (Haaay pero kung sa bagay anywhere naman.).

Honestly, It hurts me so much to see (yes, I see it. I even sooo feel it.) how people like these who I treat sincerely as my friends treat me the other way around. I mean, I never chose who friends I will make. I’ve always loved people – in general. I do not just pick out those that I will care for or those that I will treat kindly that’s why knowing (and feeling) that I do not get the same from them really cuts deep. It’s not just the-being-sincere part but more on the-be-equally-nice-to-everybody part. Treat people like real people, like real humans – that simple. We do not just communicate with other humans just because we have to, just because we cannot possibly live alone but above all is because we have to touch other people’s lives and vice-versa. And obviously, we are not doing any touching thingy if we would just interact just for the superficial sake of surviving. But of course, it’s not just important to be nice to humans but to be nice to everybody, to everything that exists – including those that we doubt to exist – as well. Furthermore, I believe that arrogance has never been an effective way of making oneself superior to others. One wouldn’t also earn respect from it. Ever.

Besides, does being nice and humble a tough thing to do? If not, then why can’t some great-and-brilliant people do it?

i reflect.

Talking about regrets.

A lot of people usually envy me when discussing this stuff. It’s because I could give hundreds and hundreds of opinions and stories about anything regarding the features of my life but not, never when talking about regrets. Yeah it’s really weird (I, myself even find it so weird) but I actually find it hard to share – or even recall – any regret within the 18 years of my stay here in the face of this planet. Of course I’ve done a lot of mistakes and I’ve lost so much as well yet I still don’t feel the burden of feeling sorry for myself. I cannot even recall a time when I brood over the things that I should’ve done but I didn’t, the same as with the things that I shouldn’t but I did. Perhaps, it’s because I find it a lot easier to forgive; not just to forgive other people, but to forgive myself as well. I may have done so many faults and it may be illogical to state them all because of their abundance but those faults never remain as faults as time goes by. My mistakes and losses then turn out to be the wealth that I carry as I go forward with my life. I do not hate them but instead I love them for without them I wouldn’t learn so much and I don’t think I would be here where I am right now. What matters most is the idea of the present and the fact that I am doing fine despite all of those that had already happened. Things happen for a reason and people act because they are bounded by certain circumstances that are inevitable. We may have committed the wrong decisions but that is partly because of the alternatives that are already laid before us. Indeed, we may choose what to do but the choices that are previously offered to us are still beyond our control. Hence, are actions are still dominated by some superior power – it may be God or what – but whatever or whoever it is I do not know. It’s just that my faults do not evolve to regrets later in life. They just don’t. Pretty glad it’s the way it is for me ^_^.

On holding on.

This holding on thing actually frustrates me most of the time. It’s just that I cannot accept the truth – every time it strikes me - that at some point in time, people eventually let go and it’s a horrible thing when you found out later that it’s only you who’s left holding on. Holding on to something that others have already given up.

Things such as this happen every time on every thing – on friendships, relationships, dreams. It just makes me miserable to see how little faith most of us have in some situations. I mean, most people today rarely believe in forever, in magic, in prayers, in love, in happy ending, even in hope.

Preserving long-lasting relationships be it friendship or romantic ones is difficult yet possible. Sticking to your dream no matter how big or impossible it may seem is also tough yet at the same time very attainable if we would only grip tighter and believe that we can make it. Unfortunately, as I’ve said a while ago most of us have already lost this sense of thinking. We easily give up and we take things for granted, even our vows to ourselves.

Touching lives.

Masakit magpaalam sa taong natutunan mo ng mahalin at naging parte na ng buhay mo pero mas masakit magpaalam sa taong hindi naman naging sa’yo pero binago yung takbo ng buhay mo.

Some former-special-someone-but-never-became-an-ex sent this to me. Silly me, I couldn’t help but to smile and sigh at the same time. It’s really amazing how far you could go touching other people’s lives without even knowing about it. You see, I may have this real little idea of making a difference on this person’s life but for sure I may never know how far I went. He even broke up with his recent girl friend, rearranged his edgy life, did well on his studies, tried to be a little friendlier, even shaved his head all because of me (but of course the shaving part was not that inspiring. Hehe). So what do we know.

I remember this friend of mine, a classmate just this 1^st semester - who had this terrible thing about his past love life, saying that the girl he loved years ago still haunts him - who had a major transformation just before the semester ends when he met this real beautiful girl (who also happened to be our class mate) who brought him back to his sunny view on life and love. I already knew about it the moment I saw his eyes sparkle and his dimples show the moment I first saw them talking in the corner of our classroom. And now well I only saw him yesterday and guess what? He just got his head shaved (also). Perhaps, that beauty really inspired him to get up and move on with life again (you should have seen him before, he was really slob-looking). I’m expecting a few more changes in him. A wardrobe make-over maybe?

But of course it’s not all about love and romance. Each of us can affect other people, may it be a friend, a relative, a superior, even a stranger (I can recall lots of strangers who I’ll treasure in my life and memory forever). Remember those you sit with inside the bus, the train even the queue (I just met some real nice persons just the other day when I was in queue for the payment of our registration fee). We’ll never really know.

Through a Rapist's Eyes

This is important information for females of ALL ages. Guys - please forward to the female members of your family and all your female friends and associates. When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my lady friends. I forwarded it to most everyone in my address book. My men friends have female friends and this information is too important to miss someone. Please pass it along. A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts: 1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets. 2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who's clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around specifically to cut clothing. 3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered. 4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between 5:00 a.m. and 8:30 a.m. 5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery store parking lots. Number two is office parking lots/garages. Number three is public restrooms. 6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry about getting caught. 7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years. 8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming 9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands. Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it. 10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: "I can't believe it is so cold out here", "we're in for a bad winter." Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a target. 11) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell STOP or STAY BACK ! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back . Again, they are looking for an EASY target. 12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yell I HAVE PEPPER Spray and holding it out will be a deterrent. 13) If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm (between the elbow and armpit) OR in the upper inner thigh VERY VERY HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it hurts. 14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he's out of there. 15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly. 16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts!!! You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble TELL THIS TO EVERY WOMAN (OR ANYONE) YOU KNOW, IT'S SIMPLE STUFF BUT IT COULD SAVE LIVES .

These I fear.

Commitment

You’re boxed. Wings paralyzed. Limbs nailed down. You can see the distance but you cannot break away. Your head is swimming in endless boundaries. You’re nowhere to be found but on the road that tells you where you should only go. I know it’s weird but this is how I feel every time the notion of commitment triggers my consciousness. Although of course there would be times when commitment comes as inevitable, I still cannot embrace it as something that I am willing to bring myself into. I just couldn’t take the risk of diving into it bringing with me every aspect of myself. Unfortunately, this fear of mine could be seen in different aspects of my life, particularly the relationships I’ve been to. First, I’ve never had a real best friend. Not that I never had any best bud – actually I did have a few – the thing is none of those really lasted that long. Maybe a couple only lasted for a year or two but none of them ever went longer and further than that. I had lots of close friends though and I’ve been into different circles of friends – both female and male. Second, aside from not having a real best friend is the fact that I also never had a real boyfriend. I have a few of could-have-beens though, but those were all relationships that are full of romance but without any piece of formal commitment. It’s not really because I am too choosy like what my friends think, but I believe it is because I am too afraid to take the risk of committing myself to somebody that I am not that sure of considering that no matter how I like that person he is still a stranger to me. Furthermore, I don’t know why but whenever I feel like somebody is starting to like me too much there’s this tendency for me to runaway from that person, from that thing that is just about to begin. Puzzling as it is, it seems that I just cannot like someone that much. The same thing with the other person, I feel like somebody cannot – and should not – like me that much. I usually bring out this border whenever I feel like I (or somebody) am starting to go one step further from my personal zone. It’s like already letting go when it hasn’t even begun. Another reason behind is maybe just my unreasonable excess of vanity. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I’m just too vain to take the risk and share a part of myself with somebody. Well, what do we know. . . Mediocrity This, too I fear a lot. For all my life I’ve always been struggling to aim high and I never settled for less. I do not brag of course but it’s just that it has always been a habit for me to shoot for the best. I’ve always been a wild dreamer and I like to push myself hardly to the limits and discover what I could become. I just like it that way. However, as I grow up I am starting to find myself walking side by side with the rest of just the others. I’m afraid I’m starting to lose my grip now and just let myself melt with whatever. Maybe part of it is because I am beginning to finally penetrate the vastness of the real world – the world which is also synonymous to greater diversity and competition. I never feared the idea of diversity and competition though, but I fear I might not be able to break into where the toughest belong. I fear of just settling for what I already have and what I already can do. I’m afraid of not stretching myself and my horizon to the furthest that is possible. It’s not that it’s such a bad thing to be a mediocre, but it’s that every one of us has her/his right – and yes, it is a right - to be the best of what she/he could be. I’m just afraid that I might not be able to fulfill that right for myself. I’m afraid of growing old without being able to face the child me while saying “This is what you really wanted, right? This is what we really wanted. I’m glad we made it. Congratulations.”

my first teeny weeny electronic exhibit. bow.

These photos are the ones that I’ve made during our black and white photography class this 1^st semester. Please be nice to them and to me for I’ve been through hell just to make them. aI am not a pro and I put them here just for the pleasure of having my own make-believe exhibit. Anyway, just take a peek. The grading includes the title that’s why I kind of picked those melodramatic ones. By the way, the photo paper isn’t really shaped that way (It’s really rectangular you know, but some technical limitations occurred that’s why it turned out this way. Thus, I am very much annoyed.) Well, too much for my defending. Just get moving. ^_^

Omg. This is really my mom carrying my youngest brother Dj (yikes!) so surely she’ll crucify me for choosing this title. Anyway, I did get a good grade here and I guess the title contributed relatively. Peace, Ma.

This one’s an ambushed shot. It’s my grandma and I forced her to pose for me. Bwahaha!

These are the candles I borrowed from the altar. I kind of played with the light using my pink lampshade.

Now, these are my favorite spoon and fork. They are my favorite because you can bend them like crazy. Ha-ha.

I remember my friend asking me if this meant revolution in the kitchen. Agh. Actually, this is supposed to mean sexual revolution. I don’t know if I made it clear enough in this shot. Too bad.

A very memorable shot. I got this while I was desperately rushing to take pictures in the MRT station in Quezon Ave. I can still remember how those strangers looked at me like I was mad. ‘Twas very funny and memorable (and did I say embarrassing?).

a Presenting. . . the photo I was recently talking about. This is dear to me since this is the only one which got a flat 1 among all of my plates. I took it just around the UPD campus, somewhere along the Fine Arts Building. But still, I am puzzled on why I got a flat 1 on this. Could somebody explain it to me?