asan ang kalsada?

kanina naging dahon nanaman ako. dahong hindi naman tuyo pero nagliligalig lang. gusto lang kumawala sa punong sumasakal sa kanya. nakita ko nanaman ang sarili kong nagpapatianod sa gulong ng mga bus. nakikipagpagpatintero sa mga paang nagmamadali. nakikipaghabulan sa buhok na hinahagupit ng hanging maalikabok. namalas ko nanaman kung paano ako magpadausdos sa hagdanan sa istasyon ng mrt sa quezon ave. kung paano ko ninakawan ng sulyap ang batang namamalimos sa gilid ng hagdanan sa 2nd floor. kung paano sinalo ng nanghahamon kong mukha ang hapdi ng sikat ng araw. pinanood ko nanaman ang sarili ko habang inuusisa ko kung paano nagagawang pagandahin ng mga metro aide ang mumunting parke sa tabi ng mga pink na railings ni bayani. habang nagpapatiwakal ako sa pagtingala ng mga billboard ni borgy manotoc at ni mr. bench body habang iniisip na masyado silang guwapo, sana maging billboard na lang sila forever. habang nalilito ako sa mukha ng dalawang manong na ang isa ay sumisigaw ng fairview habang ang isa naman ay UP campus. muli, pinagsamantalahan nanaman ako ng polusyon ng quezon city. halos malunok ko nanaman ang alikabok kulang na lang pati hininga ko ay ipagbawal na rin dahil sa sobrang dumi. nakita ko nanaman ang walang kapaguran kong mga paa na tinatahak ang wala ring kapagurang kalsada papuntang mass comm building. makailang beses ko na ring ginasgas ang mukha niya. mabuti hindi siya nagdaramdam sa'kin. naakit nanaman ako ng CR. nahulog nanaman ako sa patibong ng mahiwagang salamin. nakita ko nanaman tuloy ang mukhang walang pinagbago. ngarag pa rin tuwing pumapasok. umaga man o hapon. magtatatlong buwan na pala akong ganito. pero bakit ganon? hanggang ngayo'y dahon pa rin akong nagpapatangay lang sa hangin. hindi naman lumalagpak sa semento. hindi rin naman dinadampot ng basurero.

babae

lumuluwag ang kapit sa magkabilang dulo ng lubid. unti-unting napapatid ang bigkis ng ulirat. marahang napupunit ang kinang ng pag-asa. nahahapo ang minsang nakakapasong apoy. natutunaw ang tayog ng mga ngiti. matatalim ang kuko ngunit manipis ang balat mahapdi ang kurot at hagupit ng kamot nayayanig ka nagigiba ka ngunit hindi ka pa manhid o sabihin mong kapit. pilitin mong kumapit kapit lang. kapit pa.

urgent.

i need wisdom, baby. lotsa lotsa wisdom. sana umulan ng wisdom. hinihingian kasi ko ni juel ng wisdom kanina... wala naman akong maibigay... or kung meron man, sadly hindi ko naman magamit sa sarili ko. btw, may wisdom teeth na ko. so what? wala namang nagbago saken. sumakit lang gums ko at hindi ako makakain ng marami. hindi ko na rin tuloy masuot ung retainers ko. at feeling ko gusto ko ng kahit anong makakagat dahil makati siya ....ang gilagid ko. so ngayon hindi ko tuloy maisip kung bakit tinawag siyang wisdom tooth...or teeth.

anong meron sa pito?

hayan...i've been tagged by starrfish at eto na un... Pitong bagay na kinatatakutan ko: 1) ung mawalan na ko ng tiwala sa sarili ko 2) ung mabulag ako o kaya mabingi 3) happiness 4) promises 5) heights 6) future ko *awww* 7) above all...sarili ko. *bagay nga eh!kulet!* Pitong bagay na gustong-gusto ko: 1) pink 2) chocolate 3) kids *bagay ba to?* 4) arts *visual,poetry,music etc* 5) sunset 6) beaches 7) late night kwentuhan Pitong mahahalagang bagay sa kuwarto ko: 1) ung pink bed ko 2) ung nabubulok na radyo ko 3) ung pink electric fan ko 4) ung pink mirror ko *haha* 5) ung non-pink kong aparador 6) ung pink kong lampshade 7) most of all..ung mga kalat ko. *mga scratch ng tula atbp.* Pitong iba’t ibang bagay tungkol sa akin: 1) pink ang utak ko *literal.* 2) unica hija ko at panganay sa 3 lalake 3) madali akong magsawa sa halos lahat ng bagay 4) sobrang mahilig ako sa bata 5) matakaw ako pero hindi ako tumataba *yabang!* 6) aminadong sadistat masokista 7) mushy talaga ako *obvious naman siguro..* Pitong bagay na gusto kong magawa bago ako mamatay: *pakitignan na lang po nung isa ko pang entry.hehe demanding* Pitong bagay na kaya kong gawin: 1) kumain ng kumain 2) magpaiyak o magpabaliw o mang-inis ng isang tao 3) mag-emote to death 4) maglambing to death 5) pagalawin ang tenga ko 6) humiga sa kama at tumitig sa kisame for hours 7) magpuyat ng walang ginagawa kundi makipagkwentuhan Pitong bagay na hindi ko kayang gawin: 1) mag-bike *loser...* 2) sumakay sa space shuttle ng EK 3) mag-tumbling 4) itago ang feelings 5) magalit ng sobra/magtago ng sama ng loob 6) magsuot ng super high heels *madadapa ako swear* 7) magtext non-stop *as in lugi ako sa unlimited* Pitong katangian ng mga lalaki na makakaakit sa akin: 1) romantic 2) may sense kausap 3) gentleman 4) friendly 5) may sense of humor 6) totoong tao *ah basta* 7) yung kayang tumitig sa mata ko *i know ang weird* Pitong bagay na lagi kong sinasabi: 1) kachervahan lang yan... 2) ibang level na to... 3) wag haggard! 4) syet. 5) may ganung factor talaga ha? 6) ang cute mo talaga...or...wow ang ganda/galeng 7) i hate you. Pitong sikat na tao na hinahangaan ko: 1) brandon boyd *obsession na ito!* 2) tim burton *asteg* 3) si dodong (?) *sikat yan...para saken.harhar* 4) spongebob *i know hindi siya tao pero...* 5) quentin tarantino *henyo* 6) ely buendia *i miss e-heads sobra* 7) axl rose *guns n roses fan ^_^*

nostalgic ako.pictures muna.

sige...tingin tingin muna kayo. basta pag may nakita kayong tao na may maliliit na mata na nag-iinarte... ako yun. hehe.
uy si fahfah ronnel...hangkyut! hehe.
presscon nung 4thyr pa ko sa pangil,laguna. 4thyr din to...actually hindi namin classroom yan.aimishew all! obviously graduation...with dc-9 and sr julz. eto nung summer lang, bday ng friend ko na si grace kaso nakakatawa kasi wala siya sa pic.haha.patawad. sa makati yan...at yuck! emcee pala ko nun. o sige asan ako jan?

unbearable

pag nangangati nga naman ang daliri ko at gusto kong magsulat... jaedy is the killer. the ultimate murderer. the sadist of your daydreams. the pain in your ass. a heartbreaker.jawbreaker.legbreaker. hairbreaker.nosebreaker.nailbreaker. she'll take you on for a ride. bombard you with her own dizziness. deaf you with the echoes of her confusion. she'll choke you with tenderness. she'll fill you mouth to mouth. then she'll bare in front ot you. she'll take you, make you then leave you. break you.crush you. but she'll never say she's sorry. she'll runaway. she'll hide. she'll scream and probably she'll vomit. she'll flood the heavens with crushed ice. with crushed heart. she'll disturb your sleep with achy ice drops. with tears. she'll make you holler her name then pretend not to hear you. she'll walk past your shadows ignoring your scars. then she'll cut her palms and the fresh blood runs dry. you'll accuse her of murder. she'll just smile as her last breath surrenders.

my tuesday LSS.

don't phunk with my heart (black eyed peas) *sO..sO..saya.haha.pang disco!* I wonder if I take you home Would you still be in love, baby? 40 kinds of sadness (ryan cabrera) *aylabyu papa ryan! harhar* I feel 40 kinds of sadness when you're gone. I feel the same thing always happens when you're gone And i know you're just around the corner But just around the corner is not enough you and me (lifehouse) *eee..danda.mushy..o kaya...pang-hele.* Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do Nothing to prove And it's you and me and all of the people And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you hand in my pocket (alanis morisette) *...still beautiful.* I'm shy but I'm friendly baby I'm sad but I'm laughing I'm brave but I'm chicken shit I'm sick but I'm pretty baby masilungan (sandwich) *ganda..yey.* Bakit di mo pinaglaban Mga munting alaala Lahat tayo'y nababasa Kapag ang langit ay biglang lumuha Biglang lumuha Wala na tayong masilungan.... that palmolive shampoo song (that girl with a yellow top) *actually, favorite ko tong commercial na to..hehe. nakakaaliw kase ung beat.beh* balik freshness... balik bounce, bounce! hahahahaa!!! just a smile (barbie...ano?) *oo..isang propaganda ang gamitin ang kanta sa commercial. at ako ay isa na sa mga biktima ng propagandang iyon.* you make me feel like i can get lost inside your eyes... i feel closer to the sky... churvah... thank you (dido) * syempre favorite.* but your picture on my wall it reminds me that it's not so bad it's not so bad...

i could stare at you with your eyes bursting with passion. those eyelashes unfolding the mysteries of wild fire while those tears fall for innocent longing. i could stare at you with your lips unsealed. those diamonds twinkling back at the heavens while your pale pale cheeks pull me closer. even closer. i could stare at you from a galaxy. i could stare at you from a century. i could go on like this for a minute and then a lifetime and i could stare at you and you're dangerously beautiful.

tiningi-tinging pagtingin

ang pagtitig ay may multa. ang pagnguya ay may katumbas na halaga. ang paglalakad ay may sentimo. ang paghalakhak ay may piso. ang pag-alaala ay may libo. ang pagkalibog ay mahal. ang pag-ibig ay may kapalit. ang paghinga ay pwede namang tawaran. ako na lang ang libre naiwan sa kalawanging estante. ikaw na lang ang bibili ang wallet ay dumudura ng milyones habang ako ay nilalangaw ng pitumpu't - pitong rumaragasang hanging lumalampas sa aking harapan. pumapagaspas na pakpak. umaalong yabag. at ni isang kisapmata'y hindi man lang maipambayad sa isang dekada ko ng paghihintay. *oops..this is not all about me ok?..hehe*

the cure.

i almost ate the entire pack of cadbury in the ref while watching charlie and the chocolate factory. wow. i just coulnd't imagine it's soothing effect. just cures me... somehow. temporarily. true indeed, chocolate is happiness. ...and at least it wouldn't harm me if i get addicted to it, only my poor tonsils and my parents' poor pockets.

even stars dream

nothing. i've just decided to list some of my greatest dreams. weeee... *in no particular order* - to win in the prestigious Palanca Awards - to publish my own collection of essays and poems *and whatever textual hallucinations* and name it the same as my blog. - to have my own art exhibit to have my own collection of the photographs that i've taken myself - to be a certified romantic poet - to have somebody turn my poems into songs *and still give me the credits that i so deserve* - to make my own movie *which talks about time and space and love and pain..blah* - to have my own album - not photo album *as in ako yung magdidivah-diva-han* - to set a new and original fashion trend - to make my own garden *now that's really tough* - to work for passion and not merely for money - to be a loving wife and mother *and daughter, and friend..etc.* - to share a part of myself with the needy like adopting a kid or giving whatever i have to charitable institutions - to keep the child in me alive forever *again, tell me how long is forever?* - to let every person i meet feel how special s/he is - to be a devoted teacher *anyhow, anyway, anywhere* - to have those *best wished for* laughlines when i'm about let's say 70? - to recognize the power of time but still learn how to ignore it and go on with my life the way i wanted to. - to look into the eyes of death and learn to surrender - to look at the mirror and finally appreciate the beauty of the woman staring back at me - to master the art of embracing change and pain - to learn how to let go of the things/persons/emotions that i have to let go. - to learn how to live one day at a time. *hirap..*

i just want to know...

how long is forever? 'cause i just can't wait 'til it's over.

barenaked.

well, i'm supposed to do another f*ck*ng poem but then... ugh. i decided not to - for a meantime. i feel bruised now and that's all because of my poetry mania. just feel the lyrics of this song while i stare into this cursed monitor. You and I got something But it's all and then it's nothing to me And I got my defenses When it comes to your intentions for me And we wake up in the breakdown Of the things we never thought we could be I'm not the one who broke you I'm not the one you should fear What do you got to move you darling I thought I lost you somewhere But you were never really ever there at all And I want to get free talk to me I can feel you falling And I wanted to be all you need Somehow here is gone I have no solution To the sound of this pollution in me And I was not the answer So forget you ever thought it was me I'm not the one who broke you I'm not the one you should fear What do you got to move you darling I thought I lost you somewhere But you were never really ever there at all And I don't need the fallout of all the past That's here between us And I'm not holding on And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here And I want to get free talk to me I can feel you falling I know it's out there I know it's out there I can feel you falling I know it's out there I know it's out there Somehow here is gone thanks to goo goo doll's gutterflower album. you're a real friend i can rely on.

ako ang dagat at ang dagat ay ako.

dapithapon sa kanyang mukha ngayon. habang ang mga mata ko ay nasasaniban ng kapusyawan ng kahel na langit ay ramdam ko ang paghampas niya sa aking mga paa. kumikiliti. yumayapos. muli, ay aking nasasaksihan kung paano siya humalik sa mga nagkikislapang bato. marahan, maingat, malambing. batid kong ang hubad niyang katawan ay nagbibigay sa akin ng kakaibang ligaya. matiwasay ang kanyang pag-indayog. bumabalikwas ang kanyang mga biyas sa himig ng hangin. nagpapatianod ang kanyang buhok sa papalapit na dilim. walang alinlangan sa kanyang mga mata. ang bukas ay punung-puno ng pag-asang laan lamang para sa kanya. ang kalangitan ay pawang abot- tanaw at ang kalawakan ay isang paraiso sa kanyang mga palad. sa kanya ay walang gabing hindi natatapos. walang dilim na hindi nagliliwanag. wala siyang pag-iimbot na kumakawala sa tanikalang hawak ng rasyonalidad. hindi makasarili. hindi duwag at hindi mapanghusga. higit sa lahat... maalat siyang tulad ng mga luha kong walang humpay sa pagpatak.

uncertainties in an empty thursday box.

ashes are always there and that's for sure. i guess, i'll just have to cope up with walking on dirt-painted roads forever. anyway, the jeepney's not even a better idea of taking me where i perhaps want to go. ********* scanning these happy pictures on people's friendster profiles pinches my vulnerable heart. i'm just wondering how to catch those pretty smiles in my pockets. ah, i could stare at them for years... ********* indeed, the laws of inertia and momentum are above my weaknesses as a speck in the universe. this makes me believe that sometimes fighting would be such an impractical thing to do. though it would be nice to know how to fight the good fight... i still do think that sometimes running away is a lot better. ********* traveling to the sugar coated moon, i passed by faces of perfection. i drowned at the vision of the stars, the meteors and the millions of sparkling eyes that gaze at the eternal darkness that squeezed us together in the vastness of time and space. then for a speck of hour, i crashed into you as you made your way towards the mesmerizing sun. i tried to hold onto my grip. your beauty made me want to surrender. the clock then turned its mighty hands. majesty dominated us all again. then at one speed of light i turned again to bury my eyes into yours. stretched my arms in absolute submission. but you're gone. reality descended. reality escaped. i knew you'll be gone forever. brooding over to what was left of me i started to ask myself why can't the gravity just pull us closer?

the resurrection. bow.

hello world. i'm back again. on my feet. the emotional overflow is somewhat - over. yehey. actually, this post would be just a simple package of appreciation. i just want to thank those people who embraced me with their words even if some of them are mere strangers. well, my angels you know who you are. thank you muna dun sa mga naka-chat ko kagabi: ^_^ matthias - thanks for the theoretical advises you gave me. as in pang debate siya or pang-oration.swear. thank you for saying that emotions are bad. yes, they are nga. gem - salamat naman dahil pinagalitan mo ko. i would always remember your "voice" saying LET GO.please MOVE ON. kulang na lang sampalin mo ko pero super thanks naapreaciate ko yun.pero ironic kase depress ka rin.hay.at depress ka pa rin hanggang ngayon..senti mode. jewel - dear sis, i know you were also in the edge, having your own dosage of emotional burdens. but still, you did give me the strength that i needed. thank you for being on-line last night. i miss you dear, hope to see you soon. aei - hi anime girl. i know that you're really not aware of my emotional choo2s but you just brightened my day *oo umaga na un diba mga magaaala una?* by saying that you want to be a masscomm.-slash-fine arts student - just like me. the orange font cheered me up as well. and how could i forget those of you who came, read my uber emotional entry and dropped me some of those precious words? reena, erik and freyti. thanks a lot thank you so much din to starrfish for giving me such inspiring words. i think i'm starting to see the lighter shades now. good-looking really. P.S i know ang corny ng title.pasensya na...hehe.

hindi sapat ang asukal para patamisin ang mapait na kape.

walang malamig na tubig sa ref at ako ay nauuhaw. mainit ang paligid pero parang gustong bumaha ng mga mata ko. tahimik ang paligid at itong balat lang ng cadbury na inupakan ko kakina ang kasama ko ngayon pero naririndi ako. nabibingi ako. nagliligalig kasi ang di magkasyang alaala sa utak ko. mga halusinasyong natatakot akong magkatotoo. masakit kapag naiisip ko kung paano tayo minsang pinaglapit ng kalungkutan at kung paano naman tayo ngayong pinaglalayo ng pananabik. sabi ko maganda ang sakit. pero siguro nagiging maganda lang siya kapag manhid ka na at akala mo ay napakalakas mo at nasupil mo siya.

believing in the edge

i held your hand as if you'll be far away. as if you're near me. as if you're with me. i widened my eyes as if i'll never see you again. as if the savage lamentations in my dreams would not surrender without the windows of you. as if your iris really focused on mine. i drowned my lips with tears as if your lips would never damp them again. as if the echoes of your voice would soon vanish into oblivion which i thought i've always tried so hard to escape. as if the liquids of you really melt the barren corners of me. i filled you up with affection as if my pond of security will be emptied again and forever. as if this steel heart would stop beating without the warmth of your hand caressing. as if i've been really filled up by you. i held onto my breathe as if it would be the last breath that i'll ever have. as if the sight of you gone forever would slaughter my very existence. as if i really knew how to breathe. as if you're all i need. as if you're all i have. as if you can stay. as if you were mine.

para lang wag akong mabulunan.

walang bago. kanina, mapayapa akong pumasok sa eskwela. may pa-cool effect pa ko at feeling ko i was really bubbly this morning. naka-earphone yata ako at pinakikinggan ko ang mga oldie songs sa 94.7 sa 2nd hand kong cellphone kahit na may tugtog naman talaga sa bus. nilakasan ko pa nga eh para hindi ko marining yung tugtog nila.hehe. mabuti na nga lang at na-keri ko pang marinig yung mamang konduktor, kundi binoljak niya ko. *oops sorry for the term*. pa sway-sway pa kamo yung ulo ko.haha.feeling ko nga na-windang yung katabi ko.eh napalakas yata yung kanta ko. natatawa ako kase kahit na hindi ako nakapag-aral para sa subject ko kanina eh nakagawa pa rin ako ng asayment. asayment kase namen na gumawa ng iskrip para sa isang programang pang komentaryo at pam-panayam. di ako nakapag-aral kase wala yung ID ko saken buong linggo kaya hindi ako nakapasok ng library. boplaks talaga. nakakatawa pa kase yung taong nanghiram ng ID ko *actually mahabang istorya siya* eh nakasabay ko sa jeep kanina. ayun nakuha ko na ang namimiss ko nang ID. ang sama ko pero masaya ako kase feeling ko naisahan ko yung prof ko kase nakapag-pass ako ng asayment kahit na hindi ako nakapag-aral. boplaks talaga kase alam ko rin namang sarili ko lang ang niloloko ko. anyway, masaya pa rin ako. *oo patawad sa milyon-milyong naghihirap na pilipino na nagpapa-aral saken. sige nakokonsensya naman ako eh.* hayun medyo tae nanaman ako sa discussion kanina *anong medyo? tae ka talaga!*. syempre hindi nga ko nag-aral diba? nangapa lang ng konte pero nakasagot pa rin naman kahit papano.nasiyahan lang akong daldalin yung katabi ko.pareho kasi kaming naka- orange at para kaming sasayaw.pinanood din namen yung photo exhibit *pinapanood ba yun?* ng delta sigma soro. may project kasi sila na tumulong sa mga mahihirap. pathetic kase katabi ng mga retrato ng mga mahihirap *na black and white pa talaga para madama mo yung depressing effect* eh yung mga retrato ng members na mala-FHM ang posing.mala dra. calayan ang kutis at parang pang close up ang ngiti. tsktsktsk. parang di nila kakayaning pumunta sa payatas or kahit somewhere better than that. tapos umuwi na rin ako pagkatapos kong mawindang sa klase na yun habang iniisip ko na ang pores pala ay bumubuka kapag hot water ang ginamit mo na pampaligo. nawindang din ako kase pangatlong ulit ng binago ng prof namen yung final project namen. umaasa ako na baka palitan niya ulit.hay. hayun inantok nanaman ako sa bus at feeling ko kumalat-kalat nanaman yung ulo ko sa sobrang antok ko.buti na lang hindi fahfah ung katabi ko kundi papa.hehe. may mga bisita kame ngayon. mga chikiting patrol. dedma ko muna sila mamaya na ko makikipag-jamming kasi yung kapatid kong 2 years old inagawan ako ng keyboard kanina. nagtatatype siya ng kung anu-ano. ay teka, may bago pala. masaya pala ako ngayon at hindi ko pinadudugo ng kadramahan ang blog page na ito. *pero don't worry sooner or later paduduguin ko ulit to.bwahahahahaa!!!* well... ikaw, kamusta naman?

ang manananggal.

pilit na pinaglalayo ng kapitalismo ang pagkatao mo. tinatalupan ang laman dinidikdik ang buto pinuputol ang ugat. kidlat ito na kumukuryente sa walang malay na kawayan. pinipilas nito ang mga hibla na siyang nagdurugtong sa bawat bahagi ng kamalayan mo. ang bituka ay pinipiga. ang kaluluwa ay sinusunog. ang puso ay nilalamon. puro laman at buhok ka na lang ngayon. wala ng puso.wala ng utak. ni wala ng bitukang kailangang arugain. ang nangingitim na dugo ay pampawi ng uhaw. ang matalim ay nakapagpapaginhawa. lumalalim nanaman ang gabi. lumulutang na ang baywang. papalayo sa init. papalayo sa liwanag. habang ang mga paa ay nilulunon ng tigang na lupa.

tanikalang anino

mukha mong nakayuko. imaheng malinaw pa ring nakapinta sa aking alaala. sinisilip kita roon paminsan-minsan. nagtatangkang may maumit na kaunting ngiti mula sa mga labing minsan ay nagsambit ng mga katagang siyang ngayon ay nagsisilbing kadena ko. katawang nakatagilid. kahapong pilit na umiiwas na ngunit hindi naman maihakbang ang paa. makailang-ulit din kitang tinangkang kulungin sa mga bisig ko. makailang-ulit ko ring ninais na hatakin kang pabalik. paharap muli sa daang tinatahak ko ngayon. anino. ang anino mo. anino ng kahapon. anino ng sarap. anino ng ngiti. anino ng pait. anino ng luha. anino. ang anino ko. anino ng bukas. anino ng wakas. anino ng magpakailnaman. anino na lang ang mayroon ako dahil... anino na lang ang naiwan.

nothing but refreshed

i spent my evening the other night fooling around and doing some artworks with my 8-year-old cousin ynnah. i was actually, planning to finish my paper for my urban sociology class that night but then she asked me *and forced me actually* to play with her. even though, i badly needed to finish that freakin' paper, i stll decided to yeah, go ang play with her. she asked me to get my set of crayons and some pieces of paper. we sat side by side in our dining room while her dad *my uncle* and my dad rocked the neighborhood as they banged the videoke machine.hehe. it's funny 'cause i wasn't expecting that what she meant when she said play was to actually draw. and so that's it. i picked up the colored pens and the crayons and started drawing again. i drew a cartoon-like classroom-setting with a mr-bean-looking-teacher scribbling some algebric formula *ironic, cause math and i hate each other ever since* on the board while the students chat and play with each other - none of them was paying attention to their teacher. ynnah appreciated it and complimented me with a 'wow, ate ang ganda naman!" with her eyes opened wide. hehe. i could've asked her to put three stars on my hand as a symbol for excellence. ^_^ i just realized that i was enjoying the moment with her. drawing is my first love and i couldn't imagine that i've almost forgot all about it.it's been really a long time since i last picked a pen and touched the paper with it. good thing, ynnah reminded me of it...of how i lOoove drawing. so, i drew and drew all evening.hehe. i did some of those flirty-colorful drawings that i used to do when i was in my grade school days. i felt really good inside. i missed my drawings so much and most of all... i missed myself everytime i accomplish masterpieces like those. maybe that's it. i am just missing myself. the real me. the real me that could only be found in those drawings. those drawings reflect myself. those drawings are a part of me. after finishing our artwork portion, we then started to goof around the house. we, fed the fishes and watched them eat. we talked for a few minutes on how lovely the fishes are. we just giggled on for while, ate spaghetti together then goofed around again. we run around chasing each other using my baby brother's blue bear which my dad used to scare me or make me laugh my lungs out. i guess, i've really made her happy that night and i'm only glad i did. i must admit, i enjoyed spending the night with her just goofin' and playing'. i miss my childhood so much. how i wish i could stay just a kid for a lifetime. adult life sometimes sucks and most of the adults are such a bunch of boring,stupid,selfish and phony monsters. unlike the kids who are always sincere, enthusiastic, caring and unselfish. *sigh* so, since i do not wish to be a monster like some of the members of the adult society, i guess i'll be spending more time playing and goofing around with kids.and also how could i forget drawing ? hmmm... looking forward to being with my cousins this afternoon. ^_^ also, looking forward to refreshing my life.... i've got to fight the spoiling side of maturity! yey!

isang pares ng tuldok.

naaalala mo pa ba nung mga gabing tayo'y mga langgam lamang sa ilalim na punong mangga? kidlat lamang ang panginoon at tubig-ulan lamang ang kapangyarihan niyang nagpapakilabot sa atin noon. mga bato lamang ang tagapanood. mga tipaklong lamang ang tagapalakpak. mas malinaw pa sa sarili kong tinig ang tinig mong nagpapatahan sa akin sa pag-iyak. takot ka rin pero nagpanggap kang matapang. sa aking paningin ay tila mas maliwanag pa sa sikat ng araw ang hatid na liwanag ng buwan ng gabing iyon. sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon ay aking nasilayan ang kapayapaan sa iyong mukha. kitang-kita ko sa iyong mabibilog na mga mata ang pag-asang malalagpasan natin ang gabi. gaano man ito kalamig. gaano man ito kadilim. makailang ulit mo ring sinubukang bihisan ang hubad kong katauhan sa pamamagitan ng iyong mapangahas ngunit mainit na mga palad sa kalagitnaan ng paghampas ng mabagsik na hangin. at sa kahuli-hulihan mong pagtatangka'y hindi na ako umiwas. hindi ka nabigo. sa wakas ay napawi mo na ang matagal ko ng pagkaginaw sa mga haplos ng pag-iisa. nailayo mo na ang aking diwa sa nakaririnding musika ng katahimikan. naipagtanggol mo na ako sa nakasasakal na halik ng takot at pangamba. siya nga, maaari naman palang maging matamis, mahiwaga at mainit ang gabi.

prisoners of ourselves.

i'm all fed up with money. i could still picture my mom, dad and i almost falling into a huge trap of petty argument just because of it. that's it. maybe, we're really are in hell right now without it due to the fact that my dad's still stucked at home for 4 months now. that means, no work - no pay. i've never cared about it that much though, actually i am just so happy that i get to spend a lot more time with him since he's been on his vacation this long. by the way, the truth is, he just resigned from his previous job in abu dhabi because he thinks that he can earn more money than what they're giving him.now, he's just waiting for his employer's call. i think he'll be living off for canada. sooner or later. the thing here is that, i can absolutely feel the tension. as what i've written in my previous post, i am actually planning of stopping my schooling just to get a job and work for a meantime, save some money for my own needs then go back to school again. but now, my mom's also planning of getting a job - abroad. the idea sucks for me because it makes me feel that we're that hopeless. i just cannot imagine my mom leaving my 2 year old brother here just to clean the house of some taiwanese or korean to earn some bucks. yeah, she's planning to work as a domestic helper for a maximum of three years. she told me she wants to work until we all finished college. though of course, i have nothing against domestic helpers i still cannot let her go. i don't want her to do that. i don't want her to leave. what if something bad happens to her there just like the other OFWs? i could never take it. and what i cannot really take above anything else is the fact that she's gonna do it just to finance our schooling. i must admit, my course is kinda costly film and audiovisual arts - no - it is really costly. just thinking about the production budget that i'll be needing in the future for our productions is fairly enough to depress me. then what about my thesis? oh puhlease. i know, i know it is really an expensive course. but what can i do? that's where my interest lies? do i have to start making up my mind again * i just shifted from uplb where i took up BA communication arts* right now and make my plans for shifting to another more economical course? 'cause honestly, my mom's idea makes me feel sOooo guilty. what should i do? should i really stop schooling and help first my parents with the budget and all? or do i go all the way til i burn my parents' pockets? ugh. i'm so dead confused. i don't know what to think. i don't even know how to think - right.

am i really a loser?

these past few days, i feel like being in between of hating myself and still loving myself. it's pathetic 'cause no matter how hard i try to convince myself that i shouldn't feel this way, i still couldn't afford to do it. i still can't. i just can't. i honestly am...sad. i feel like i'm such an idiot in class. ang bobo bobo ko. yun. my frustrations are killing me. i want to better myself yet, i do not know how and there's a part of me that says that i should not cause there's no need to. i'm half between just being myself and pretending to be someone else. i feel like i am not catching up with everything that's going on. i may be good in some of my class activities but, oftentimes i feel such a dummy. a rotten dummy. there are also times that i feel i am being exploited just like in a group work. my groupmates would let me handle almost all the hard stuffs by myself then afterwards i unfortunately do not get what i deserve. i feel so doomed. i know i am giving the best that i've got but everything seems to be off place. i just cannot make the ends meet. i feel hopeless though i know i shouldn't be. because of this, i've been entertaining bad thoughts lately... of how i want to run away from school and earn my own money for a meantime then go back to school again, of how college education sucks 'cause after all the hardwork and the pain you'll still gonna end up going abroad or making it into the call centers just to have the amount of salary that this freakin' country cannot give you, the salary which you think you undoubtedly deserve. i know i need a lot of room for fixing myself. i need a lot of concentrating to do so that i'll be enthusiastic again to go to school. i'm losing my passion already...i just want to fade away. but i cannot. so, i try to hold on really tight to my parents. i do not want to disappoint them. i'm afraid that's the only reason i've got.

true love in a condom

there she lay in front of you

moccha skin that smells like hot choco on sunday morning.

deep dark almond eyes

pulling you closer. wanting you nearer.

the feeling of her hair electrifies your slumbering spirit.

how you loved that feeling. how you longed for that feeling.

the heat has become intolerable.

it's swallowing you slowly.

you cannot take it. it's beautifully cruel.

your skin next to her could create

the universe.

the soles of your feet could explode like

waterfalls.

your undeniably hungry. infinitely thirsty.

and her...

desperately empty.

how she begged for you.

the opening of the great valley is such a leap of fate for her.

the enemy has surrendered.

surrendered to her brittle passion. surrendered to slavery.

and you...

still sturdy and selfish. still eyeing for the prey that your insatiable flesh would feast.

giving yourself but not giving it all. giving yourself but giving it just for yourself.

you made it good enough. how satisfying.

you took it all and left nothing.

you left her wanting.

she's empty then and she's empty now.

still, she didn't have you.

and perhaps...

she'll never have you

forever.

subconsciously sadistic

barenaked in front of the mild dews. i saw my alterego hanging on the wall of the damned tower. that was it.

i was the queen of the damned for centuries.

what took me so long to recall?

***********

there were royal ants creeping all over my hair. i could feel their soft feet running through my spine. i was mesmerized by their scent. i loved them so much i killed them... painfully.

***********

sobbing in the middle of silver soup. the hotness of the liquids melted my bruised heart.

i know for real that it felt good.

***********

jaedy saw my bloody red eyes. she almost screamed but i was able to stop her. i loved the way she swallowed her tears. oooh...her precious tears.

in a way, her pain fed my empty consciousness. and so, i hunger no more.

***********

i would spank the worms at a distance. i would let my emotions explode. they will all fall into misery. i will smile. my teeth will fall off one by one.

***********

it has always been my dream. to crash into you at perfect momentum. the nearness of your skin with mine drives me wild. i've been craving for ages now. and still... i am craving.

************

banyo breathing

ang CR ay may bibig.nangangaral.bumubulong ng mga bagay na tanging maririning mo lamang sa kalagitnaan ng misteryo ng katahimikan niya. ang CR ay may tenga.nakikinig.nakikisimpatiya sa mga kwento ng buhay mo.napapaindayog sa malamig mong tinig.nabubusog sa musika ng bawat mong halakhak.ang CR ay may puso.nagdadamdam.naliligayahan.nasasaktan.

piping saksi siya sa pagsabog ng kalangitan sa iyong kabuuan.nagsisilbi siyang isang malaking salamin na nagpapakita ng iyong natatanging mahika. ang mga mata niya ay hindi marunong tumingin - ang alam lang nito ay kumilatis.umunawa.

pinagmamasdan niya ang bawat galaw mo.ang bawat paghawi mo sa iyong buhok. ang bawat paglagay mo ng kolorete sa iyong mukha.ang bawat pagwisik mo ng pabango sa iyong damit.pati ang mga luha mong nangingilid na o ang mga ngiti mong hanggang tenga ay hindi nakaliligtas sa kakayahan ng kanyang mga mata.tama, hindi mo nga maikakaila kung ano ka at kung sino ka kapag nasa CR ka na.

ang puso niya ay may walang hanggang kapasidad upang haplusin ang iyong pilit na itinatadong kalooban.sinasalo niya ang bawat patak ng mapapait mong luha.niyayapos niya ang bawat agos ng maruming tubig na iyong pinaghuhugasan ng lahat ng iyong sama ng loob.dumidipa siya ng walang pag-iimbot upang madampian man lamang kahit saglit ng iyong maharlikang mga paa ang ang kanyang mukha.nagpapakatibay siya sa lahat ng oras upang makasiguro na ikaw ay may masasandalan sa tuwing ang lakas mo ay unti-unti ng napapawi ng bagyo.

wala siyang hinanakit. wala siyang pagsusumbat man lang.

wala siyang anumang hinahangad.ang tanging makakapagpaligaya lamang sa kanya ay ang paminsan-minsan ay dumaan ka.sumilip.ngumiti sa malabo na at medyo basag ng salamin.umiikot-ikot sa harap nito habang umaawit o kaya naman ay habang humahalakhak.o habang napapangiti sa mga alaalang sumagi sa iyong okupado ng utak.

marami siyang alam ngunit mas pinipili niya ang manahimik.marami siyang kayang gawin ngunit hindi na niya ito magawa dahil mas kawili-wili para sa kanya ang panoorin ka.

maaari ka niyang itaboy.maari ka niyang lamunin. ngunit hindi. ang mga sikreto mo ay pilit niyang itinatago.

gaano man ito karumi, kasaklap o kasama. gaano man ito kasaya, kasimple o kakomplikado.

hindi tulad ng mundong may kakayahan ngang umunawa at makinig... ang apat na sulok ng CR ay hindi mapanghusga kainlanman.

usapang langit

sabi ng isa kong kaibigan kapag nalulungkot daw ako at may namimiss akong tao, tumingin na lang daw ako sa langit.habang tintignan ko raw ang mga bituin ay isipin ko na lang na hindi naman ako dapat malungkot dahil kapag pareho kaming tumingin sa langit ay iisa pa rin namang langit ang makikita namin.kahit papaano...magkasama pa rin kami.magkalapit pa rin.

malinaw pa sa akin hanggang ngayon ang boses niya habang binabanggit niya ang mga salitang iyon.tila naaaninag ko pa sa alaala ko kung paanong nadampian ng liwanag ng mga bituin ang mukha niya.alam ko malungkot din siya pero sa kabila noon ay nagawa pa rin niyang pagaangin ang loob ko.

at ngayon ganoon pa rin naman ang langit kung gabi.wala namang nagbago.nandyan pa rin ang buwan...ang mga bituin.paminsan-minsan ay nakikita ko pa rin naman ang sarili ko na nakatingala.nag-iisip.naririnig ko pa rin naman sa guni-guni ko ang boses niyang nagpapaalala.

yun nga lang, nandito ako at nandun siya. malayo na kami sa isa't - isa.

babala: nakakangilo

masarap palang isiping maraming iced tea sa ref nyo.

maraming iced tea tapos maraming yelo.malalaki.maliliit.yung iba korteng square habang yung iba naman circle.iinumin ko yung iced tea.matamis pero medyo maasim.maaisip ko na masarap.iinom ako ulit.iinom ako ng iinom hanggang sa maubos ko ang laman ng baso ko.kakainin ko yung mga yelo.kakainin ko.kakagatin ko.kakainin ko kase masarap.masarap kase malamig.masarap kase nakakangilo.masarap kase masakit sa ngipin.masarap kase nakakalimutan kong buhay pa ko at mainit pa pala ang aking katawan.masarap kase pinamamanhid niya ko.kakainin ko lahat ng yelong kaya kong kainin.magpapakatakaw ako sa yelo.magpapakabusog.maya-maya sasakit ang ulo ko dahil nasobrahan na ako.magrereklamo ako pero hindi pa rin ako titigil sa pagkain ng yelo.masarap kase.masarap kase nasasaktan niya ko.bukod sa pinasasakit niya ang ngipin ko, pinasasakit din niya ang lalamunan ko, pati ulo ko.mauubos ko na ang yelo.wala ng yelo.wala ng yelo pero marami pang iced tea.iinumin ko ang iced tea pero...hindi na masarap.hindi na masarap kapag walang yelo.hindi na masarap kapag hindi na malamig.hindi na masarap kapag hindi nangingilo ang ngipin ko.kapag hindi sumasakit ang ulo ko.magsasawa na ako.ibabalik ko sa ref ang natirang iced tea.ayoko na.aakyat ako sa kwarto ko.hihiga sa kama kong uhaw sa init ng aking katawan.magpapanggap akong natutulog para hindi ako bulabugin ng mga utol ko.mag-iisip ako.makakatulog.mananaginip.at sa panaginip ko...hindi pala iced tea ang gusto ko kundi yelo.yelo lang, kahit wala pa siyang lasa.yelo pa rin kahit hindi naman talaga siya masarap.kahit nasasaktan naman niya ko.tutulo ang aking luha.mainit.maalat.mababagabag ako.magigising ako at sa paggising ko maiisip ko na...masarap pa rin ang yelo kahit walang iced tea pero ang iced tea hindi na masarap kapag wala ng yelo.malulungkot ako.gusto ko pa kase ng yelo.

pinutol-putol

medyo matagal na panahon na rin ang lumipas.

marahil, nasa magkabilang dulo na tayo ng tulay ngayon.

malayo sa isa't isa.

marami na ring bagay ang nagbago.

ang mga dating ngiti ay napalitan na ng luha. ang dating mainit na kalupaan ngayo'y nalulunod na

sa malamig na tubig alat.

ang dating matapang kong puso

ay

unti- unti

nang pinahihina ng mga sugat na dulot ng mga tinik

- ng mga tinik na iniwan mo.

hindi ko alam na ang mga magagandang salita pala na minsang nagpangiti at nagpaluha sa'kin sa tuwa ang siyang

dahan- dahang dudurog

sa mahina ko nang puso.

mga salitang hindi ko kailanman ninais na tanggapin at itago.

mga salitang pinilit kong itaboy papalayo

sa akin.

mga salitang dati ay sing ganda ng panaginip na ngayon ay sing saklap na ng bangungot

- ng bangungot na ngayon ay gumagambala sa aking kapayapaan.

nasasaktan ako.

nasasaktan ako dahil alam kong mga salita lang ang lahat ng iyon.

mga magagandang salitang marahil ay mananatili na lamang na mga salita sa habang panahon.

nasasaktan ako dahil hinayaan kong manuot sa akin ang mga salitang ngayon ay naging tinik na nga.

ang tamis ay naging pait na.

ang sarap ay naging sakit na rin.

sana tigang na lang ang puso ko o di kaya yelo o di kaya bato.

sana hindi ako ganito kahina para bumigay

sa patibong mong

alam kong kailanma'y hindi mo naman

sinasadya.